Episode 170 - Why Not What
The Question That Changes Everything for Midlife Women
When our children leave home, we often ask "What should I do next?" But what if we're asking the wrong question entirely?
I want to talk about something I see many midlife women struggle with after our children leave home. Recently, I was having a conversation with a dear friend whose youngest had just left for college. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Jill, I don't know what to do with myself. For years, my purpose was raising my kids. Now what? What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life?"
My heart just ached for her because I remembered that feeling so well.
The Question Everyone's Asking (But Maybe Shouldn't Be)
We've all heard the phrase "Finding Your Purpose." There are countless books about it, podcasts dedicated to it, life coaches who specialize in helping people discover their "next chapter." And I think that's wonderful, I really do.
But I believe we might be asking the wrong question entirely.
What if, instead of asking "What should I do next?" we started asking "Why do I do what I do?"
Let me tell you what I mean.
When the House Goes Silent
When my youngest was heading into her senior year of high school, I began to feel completely lost. I had spent nearly three decades being needed every single day in some way. Someone always needed a meal, a ride, help with homework, a listening ear, a hug. My days were structured around meeting the needs of my family, and I loved it.
But then suddenly the house was quiet.
Phil would leave for work and I would stand in my kitchen looking around at the silence, thinking, "Now what?" I felt like I needed to find my next big thing, my next purpose. I needed to figure out what I was going to DO with the rest of my life.
So I started making lists. Maybe I should go back to school. Maybe I should start a business. Maybe I should volunteer more. Maybe I should learn a new skill. (I even got my real estate license!)
But every time I tried to focus on the what, I just felt more confused.
The Breakthrough
It was during this season that I discovered life coaching, which eventually led me to where I am today. But the real breakthrough didn't come from figuring out what I was going to do. It came from understanding why I was doing anything at all.
Here's what I discovered: My why had always been the same, even when my children were home.
Whether I was packing lunches, helping with science projects, driving to soccer games, or staying up late talking with one of my kids, my why was always connection. It was always about love. It was always about helping others feel seen, valued, and supported. It was about pointing others to our Savior and being His disciple.
The what was just the vehicle.
And suddenly I realized that my why hadn't changed just because my kids had moved out. My desire to create connection, to offer love, to help others feel valued – that was all still there. That was still me.
The only thing that needed to change was the what – the way I expressed that why.
The Question
So instead of asking "What should I do with my life?" I started asking, "How can I continue to live out my why in this new season?"
And that shifted everything.
When you know your why, the what becomes so much clearer and so much less overwhelming.
For me, coaching became a natural extension of what I had always been doing – creating safe spaces for people to be heard, loved, and guided. The podcast became another way to offer connection and hope. Speaking to groups of women became a way to help others feel less alone in their struggles.
But here's the beautiful thing: Your why might express itself completely differently than mine. And that's exactly as it should be.
Discovering Your Unique Why
Maybe your why has always been about creating beauty – through decorating your home, planning family gatherings, making nutritious meals. Well, that why doesn't disappear when your kids leave. It just finds new expression. Maybe it's interior design, event planning, teaching cooking classes, or creating art.
Maybe your why has always been about solving problems – helping your kids work through conflicts, managing the family schedule, finding solutions when things went wrong. That gift doesn't just evaporate; it just needs a new outlet. Maybe it's consulting, working with nonprofits, or mentoring other parents.
Maybe your why has always been about teaching and nurturing growth – helping your children learn and develop. That passion doesn't leave because your kids graduated. Maybe it's tutoring, writing, mentoring, or going back to school yourself.
You're Not Starting Over
The point is this: You are not starting over from scratch. You are not broken or without purpose. You have spent decades developing and refining your unique gifts and your unique why.
This season isn't about finding a completely new purpose. It's about recognizing the purpose that has always been there and finding new ways to live it out.
I think about the Savior in His ministry. His what took so many different forms – sometimes teaching in the temple, sometimes healing the sick, sometimes sharing a meal with His disciples. The what was always changing. But His why never did. His why was love, connection, lifting and healing and serving.
Our gifts are from our Heavenly Parents. They're part of how They designed us. They don't expire when our children grow up.
Your Why Is Already There
So my invitation to you today is this: Stop asking "What should I do next?" and start asking "Why do I do what I do?"
Think back over your life:
What has always mattered to you?
What has always driven you?
What brings you alive?
What do people always come to you for?
That's your why.
And once you know your why, trust that the what will come. Maybe it will be something completely new. Maybe it will be a return to something you loved before you had children. Maybe it will be a combination of things that bring you joy.
But it doesn't have to be one big thing. It doesn't have to be a complete life overhaul. It doesn't have to look like anyone else's journey. It just has to be you living out your unique why in whatever ways feel authentic and life-giving.
This Season Is a Gift
There's something else I want you to remember: This isn't about finding busy work to fill your empty nest. This is about recognizing that you have been preparing for this season your whole life.
Every challenge you faced, every skill you developed, every lesson you learned – it has all been preparing you for this incredible season you're entering now. A season where you get to choose how to spend your time and energy based on what matters most to you.
This season is not a consolation prize. It's not what you get stuck with after the "real purpose" of your life is over. This season is a gift.
The question isn't "What should I do with this gift?" The question is "Why am I grateful for this gift, and how do I want to steward it?"
You're Just Getting Started
If you're like my friend, wondering what you should do with the rest of your life, think about those moments when you felt most alive, most yourself, most connected to who you really are.
As you remember your why, you'll probably start smiling. Your eyes might light up and you might even sit a little straighter because you're remembering your why. And once you see your why, you can start exploring all the beautiful whats that are waiting for you.
So friends, as we navigate this season together, let's start with why. Why do you do what you do? What has always mattered to you? What unique gift do you bring to the world?
Trust that. Honor that. Celebrate that. And then watch as the whats unfold in ways more beautiful than you ever imagined.
You're not too old. You're not irrelevant. And you are not without purpose.
You, my friend, are just getting started.
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About the Author: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including transforming conflict into an adventure. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
Keywords: midlife purpose, empty nest syndrome, finding your why, life after kids leave home, midlife women, purpose-driven life, life coaching for women, seasons of life, midlife transition
