Episode 171 - Other People’s Emotions
Why You Don't Need to Fix Their Emotions
How to support loved ones without taking responsibility for their feelings. Originally taken from episode 171 of the Seasons of Joy Podcast.
How are you affected when someone in your family is upset or struggling? Does it feel uncomfortable? Do you immediately try to make them feel better by saying or doing something to eliminate the discomfort? Or do you react and mirror their emotional state?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're not alone. There's a good reason we respond this way, and today we're going to explore how to navigate these challenging moments in a healthier way.
The "Rub It" Mentality: Why We Try to Fix Others' Emotions
I remember when my children were young and they would get hurt, my husband and I would say, "rub it!" We did everything we could, short of standing on our heads, to get our children not to cry or be upset.
This response was modeled to us by society. We saw other parents do the same thing. Our parents did it too. But as I've reflected on this experience, I've realized how often we all do this in our lives, especially with the people we love most.
When someone in our family is struggling, we can feel their discomfort as if it's our own responsibility to solve. But what if other people's emotions, even our family members' emotions, are not ours to manage?
The Difference Between Love and Emotional Responsibility
I'm not suggesting we become cold or disconnected from the people we love. I'm not saying we shouldn't care or offer support when it's needed and wanted. I'm talking about understanding the crucial difference between loving someone and taking responsibility for how they feel.
Walking on Eggshells: A Sign of Emotional Over-Responsibility
Maybe there's someone in your life that you feel like you need to walk on eggshells around. You try so hard to say or do the right thing, or at least you're trying not to do the wrong thing and make them upset.
I've had relationships like this, but the harder I tried to manage other people and their emotions, the more miserable I became. I began to lose sight of the person I wanted to be, and this created more and more disconnection in my relationships.
Why Fixing Others' Emotions Backfires
When we try to control or fix other people's emotions, we're actually making their experience about us. We're saying, "I can't handle you feeling this way, so you need to feel differently."
But emotions aren't problems to be solved. They're part of the human experience. They're information, telling us something we need to be aware of. When we rush in to make someone feel better, we might actually be interfering with something important they need to process.
What Your "Helpful" Responses Really Communicate
Think about it:
When your spouse is frustrated and you immediately try to cheer them up, what message are you sending?
When your adult child calls you upset about work and you jump straight into problem-solving mode, what are you really saying?
You're communicating that their emotion is wrong, that they shouldn't feel the way they're feeling, and that you're not comfortable with their discomfort.
Learning to Hold Space: A Personal Example
The better we get at allowing the discomfort we experience when someone is struggling, the better able we are to create space for them to process their emotions so they can listen to what those emotions are trying to teach them.
My husband is good at this most of the time. In those moments when I'm venting to him, he often just gets quiet and listens. In not very long, I've worked through the frustration I was feeling and I'm able to move forward.
But there are other times when he tries to fix and solve my feelings of frustration. I've noticed that what often happens in this case is that I seem to get more upset because he's trying to change the way I feel.
Sometimes I'll say, "I just need to feel frustrated right now," or "I just need to feel angry right now." He knows that when I say that, I'm not looking for him to fix anything, but to just be with me in that moment.
The Savior's Example: Honoring Others' Emotional Processes
I love the example of the Savior in the scriptures. When Jesus encountered people in pain, He didn't rush to make their emotions disappear. He sat with them. He acknowledged their experience. He wept with Mary and Martha when Lazarus died, even though He knew He was about to raise him from the dead.
He honored their process. He allowed them to feel their feelings without trying to hurry them past their experience. This is the kind of love I want to offer—love that doesn't require people to feel differently for me to be okay.
3 Practical Steps for Managing Others' Emotions in Your Family
Step 1: Notice When You're Taking On Emotions That Aren't Yours
Pay attention to your body:
When your teenager is stressed about school, do you feel that stress in your chest?
When your spouse is worried about work, does their anxiety become your anxiety?
That's your signal that you might be carrying something that isn't yours to carry.
Step 2: Ask What They Actually Need
Ask yourself, "What do they actually need from me right now?"
Sometimes it's:
Just someone to listen
A hug
Practical help
But often what they need most is the space to feel their feelings without someone trying to fix or change them.
Step 3: Practice the Mantra
Practice saying to yourself: "Their emotions are their experience, not my emergency."
This doesn't mean you don't care. It means you care enough to let them have their own journey.
The Surprising Benefits of Not Managing Others' Emotions
When we stop trying to manage other people's emotions, we actually become better at supporting them:
We can be present without an agenda
We can listen without trying to solve
We can love without conditions
When people feel truly heard and accepted in their emotions, they often move through them more quickly and easily than when someone is trying to rush them to feel better.
The 3-Step Support System: Normalize, Validate, Empathize
Here are three powerful steps you can take to support a loved one who is struggling:
1. Normalize Their Feelings
There are no bad emotions—just emotions. They are vibrations in our body that help us move through the experiences of life. We are meant to have emotions, all of them. They are normal.
2. Validate Their Emotions
It makes sense they're feeling the way they feel because of their past experiences and their interpretation of their circumstances. Their brain is trying to make sense of what's happening in that moment. Of course they feel the way they feel.
3. Empathize With Them
We may not have gone through the same circumstances or situations as they have, but we have all experienced uncomfortable emotions like hurt, frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, or shame.
When we can normalize, validate, and empathize, we can hold space for other people to feel what they feel without needing to fix it or take it upon ourselves.
Your Weekly Challenge
Here's my invitation to you this week:
Notice where you might be taking on emotions that aren't yours, especially with your family members
Practice offering presence instead of solutions
See what happens when you give the people you love permission to feel exactly what they're feeling
Remember, you can love someone deeply and still let them have their own emotional experience. In fact, that might be the most loving thing you can do.
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About the Author: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including transforming conflict into an adventure. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
Related Topics: emotional boundaries, family relationships, healthy communication, managing emotions, supporting loved ones, family dynamics, emotional intelligence, relationship advice
