Episode 169 - Start Where You Are
Why Self-Compassion is the Key to Lasting Change for Women of Faith
Originally featured on Episode 169 of the Seasons of Joy Podcast
What if I told you that the frustration you feel about not being farther along in your journey is actually the exact place you need to start? I know that might sound backwards if you're sitting there thinking about all the self-awareness you have, all the years you've spent trying to follow God and take care of everyone else, wondering why you're still struggling with the same patterns.
Through my own journey and working with countless midlife women of faith, I've learned that the answer isn't in being harder on ourselves or trying to skip ahead to where we think we should be. The answer is learning to love ourselves exactly where we are right now.
The Self-Awareness Trap That Keeps Women Stuck
If you've been on a personal growth journey for a while, you understand how your thoughts create your feelings and your feelings fuel your actions. You know that your thoughts are creating the life you're experiencing. Maybe you've read the books, listened to podcasts, or even worked with a coach.
You may have more self-awareness than you've ever had, but instead of feeling empowered by this knowledge, you feel frustrated. You think: "I should be farther along by now. I know better, so why am I not doing better?"
Why You're Not Actually Behind
Here's what I want you to understand: This frustration is actually evidence that you are exactly where you need to be.
When we say we "should" be farther along, we're essentially rejecting where we actually are. We're treating our current reality as wrong or insufficient. But you cannot create lasting change from a place of self-rejection.
Think about it this way: If someone came to you feeling frustrated and beating themselves up, would you tell them they needed to be harder on themselves? Of course not. You'd offer compassion and understanding. Yet we withhold this same kindness from ourselves.
You are not behind. You are not failing. You are exactly where someone would be who has spent years living with patterned beliefs and patterned feelings. Your brain has been practicing these thought patterns for decades - it needs time and patience to learn new patterns.
How Women End Up in the Martyr Cycle
For years, many of us have received external validation for being selfless. Society praises women who sacrifice themselves for others. We hear things like "What a good mother" or "She's so devoted" when we put our needs last.
There's something that feels noble about self-sacrifice. It aligns with our faith values about serving others. It feels righteous to put our families first, to be the one everyone can count on, to never complain about our own needs.
The Dangerous Line We Cross
But somewhere along the way, many of us crossed a line from healthy service into unhealthy self-neglect. We started believing that taking care of ourselves was selfish. We began to wear our exhaustion like a badge of honor. We started measuring our worth by how much we could give without asking for anything in return.
Then one day, we woke up feeling resentful. We looked around and realized we'd created a life where everyone else's needs mattered more than our own. We felt angry - at others for taking so much, and at ourselves for giving it.
This is when the martyr mindset kicks in, with internal dialogue like:
"I do everything for everyone and nobody appreciates me"
"I can't ask for help because no one does things the way I do them"
"If I don't take care of it, it won't get done right"
I don't believe God wants us to sacrifice ourselves to the point that we neglect ourselves. When we're depleted, resentful, and running on empty, we cannot serve others from a place of love and abundance. We serve from obligation and exhaustion, which helps no one.
The Inner Critic That Sabotages Change
The way you speak to yourself internally has a massive impact on your ability to create positive change. Many of us have a running commentary that sounds like:
"You're stupid for doing that again"
"You're never going to figure this out"
"You're just not the kind of person who can change"
"You're being dramatic and selfish for wanting more"
Why Self-Criticism Backfires
Many women believe they have to be hard on themselves to create change. They think self-criticism will motivate them to do better. But here's what actually happens when you're constantly criticizing yourself:
You create stress in your body, which makes it harder to think clearly
You reinforce limiting beliefs about your capability to change
You waste mental energy on self-attack instead of problem-solving
You create shame, which drives you to hide and avoid rather than grow
Your thoughts have become habits. When your brain tells you "I'm never going to figure this out," it feels like a fact rather than just one thought among many possible thoughts.
Redirecting to Kinder, Equally True Thoughts
The amazing thing about our brains is that we can redirect our thoughts to ones that are equally believable but much kinder. We don't have to believe every thought we think.
Instead of "I'm stupid for making the same mistake again," try:
"I'm learning and growth takes time"
"I'm good at other things"
Instead of "I should be farther along," try:
"I'm exactly where I need to be for my journey"
"Everything is figure-out-able"
Instead of "I'm never going to change," try:
"I'm in the process of changing"
"I can do better next time"
And here's one of my favorites: "I am loved." Because you are - regardless of your progress, regardless of your struggles, regardless of where you think you should be.
The Truth About Being Human and Growing in Faith
We are all lovable and we are all works in progress. These two things can exist at the same time. You don't have to be finished to be worthy of love. You don't have to be perfect to be valuable.
Life is About Continuous Growth
We aren't supposed to have everything figured out right now. We will be learning and growing our whole lives - that's the point of this life. The goal isn't to reach some finish line where we've solved all our problems and never struggle again. The goal is to keep growing, keep learning, and keep loving ourselves through the process.
When we make mistakes (and we will), it's crucial that we respond with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment and shame.
The Observer Perspective
Try watching yourself like an outside observer. When you can step back and look at yourself as though you're watching a movie, you can see that there's a very good reason for everything you do, even when it doesn't serve you well.
For example, if you notice you've been avoiding a difficult conversation, instead of calling yourself a coward, you might observe: "I notice I'm avoiding this conversation. That makes sense because difficult conversations have been painful for me in the past, and my brain is trying to protect me from pain."
Why You'll Never Hate Yourself Into Being Better
Here's a lie our brain tells us: that we have to be hard on ourselves or we'll never change. This simply isn't true.
You will never hate yourself into being better. You will never hate yourself into losing weight, being good with money, being patient with your children, or creating the life you want.
You against you is never a winning strategy - it's misery. Love is the motivator that shame can never be. If you want to create change in your life or relationships, you have to love yourself through the process.
What "Start Where You Are" Really Means
Starting where you are doesn't mean accepting that you'll never change or settling for less than you want. It means acknowledging your current reality with compassion so you can work with it instead of fighting against it.
The Power of Compassionate Questions
When you meet yourself with compassion, something beautiful happens. Instead of wasting energy fighting your current reality, you can use that energy to understand and work with it.
Compassion asks:
"What makes sense about why I'm struggling with this?"
"What do I need right now to feel supported?"
"How can I be a friend to myself in this situation?"
Self-criticism asks:
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why can't I just get it together?"
"When will I finally figure this out?"
One set of questions opens up possibilities; the other shuts them down.
Practical Examples of Self-Compassion
Let's say you notice you've been snapping at your family because you're overwhelmed. Instead of telling yourself you're a terrible mother and wife, you might say: "I notice I'm feeling overwhelmed and it's coming out as irritability. This makes sense because I've been carrying a heavy load. What do I need to take better care of myself?"
Or if you realize you've been saying yes to commitments you don't want because you're afraid of disappointing people, instead of berating yourself for people-pleasing, you might say: "I notice I'm struggling to set boundaries. This makes sense because I've been practicing people-pleasing for years, and it's a hard pattern to break. How can I support myself as I learn this new skill?"
Seeing Yourself as God Sees You
As I've done my own inner work, I've come to see myself as the amazing person God made me. This isn't because of anything I've done, but because I was made by God, and all of God's creations are amazing.
Changing the way I see myself has changed me, my relationships, and my life. I truly believe that by loving myself, I've created positive change in my small circle of the world.
You Are of Equal Worth
It isn't conceited to appreciate yourself. This isn't about believing you're better than anyone else, but understanding that you are of the exact same worth and value as everyone else.
No matter someone's wealth, accomplishments, or fame, we are all equally valuable and worthy. We're unique with our own experiences, but we're all equally valuable and lovable.
When we understand this truth, we don't get thrown off when we haven't totally shown up or accomplished what we wanted yet. It's all part of the journey.
Practical Steps to Start Where You Are
Step 1: Notice Self-Criticism
Begin by noticing when you're being critical of yourself. You don't have to change anything yet - just notice. When you catch yourself, simply say: "I notice I'm being hard on myself right now."
Step 2: Practice the Redirect
Once you can notice self-criticism, practice redirecting to a kinder thought. It doesn't have to be a complete 180 - just kinder and equally believable.
If you think "I'm such a mess," redirect to "I'm figuring things out." If you think "I'm failing at everything," redirect to "I'm learning and growing."
Step 3: Talk to Yourself Like a Good Friend
Ask yourself: "What would I say to my best friend if she was going through this?" Then say that to yourself. We often have much more compassion available for others than for ourselves.
God's View of Your Journey
As women of faith, it's important to consider how God views our journey. I don't believe God is up there with a scorecard, frustrated with our slow progress and disappointed in our humanity.
God sees our hearts. He sees our desire to grow and change. He sees our efforts, even when they feel inadequate to us. He sees our struggles with compassion, not criticism.
God's love for you is not conditional on your performance or progress. You don't have to earn His love by being farther along. You don't have to prove your worth by being perfect.
You are loved exactly as you are - right now, in this moment, with all your struggles and imperfections. This isn't permission to stop growing; it's the foundation that makes healthy growth possible.
Remember: Progress with Compassion
Here's what I want you to take away:
You are not behind - you're exactly where someone would be who has lived your life
Self-compassion creates change - being hard on yourself keeps you stuck
You can redirect your thoughts - you don't have to believe every critical thought
Starting where you are isn't settling - it's the most effective way to create lasting change
God loves you as you are - your worth isn't dependent on your progress
This week, practice one simple thing: When you notice self-criticism, pause and ask, "What would I say to a good friend in this situation?" Then say that to yourself.
Don't worry about doing it perfectly. Don't criticize yourself if you forget. Just practice when you remember. This is how we start where we are - with small, kind steps forward.
You are exactly where you need to be, and the most loving thing you can do is meet yourself there with compassion.
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About the Author: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including transforming conflict into an adventure. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
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