Episode 177 - Values Harvest
Why Boundaries Are Actually Gardens (Not Walls)
Many of us have thought about boundaries and think they mean building walls. Pushing people away. Being less loving. Being selfish. But what if I told you that boundaries are actually more like tending a garden?
Today we're going to explore how this shift in perspective might add greater connection in your relationships.
The Garden That Never Was
For years, my husband and I have tried to plant a garden. We've tried planting all kinds of things—tomatoes, corn, zucchini, peppers, squash, and even Jerusalem artichokes. And it has been with such good intentions.
I would picture myself going out every day with a basket, harvesting fresh vegetables, feeling like some kind of homesteading gardener. That was the vision anyway.
When Life Gets in the Way
But what usually happens is that we plant everything and then... life happens.
Someone needs me. There's a church calling that requires my time. A friend needs to be comforted. My children need something. I have a business obligation. And there are other times when I look out my window at my garden and I think I really should go pull those weeds.
Yet the weeds grow. The tomatoes get scraggly. And each year at harvest time, we do get some good vegetables, but not the life-care we could get if we took better care of our garden.
The Weight of Guilt
One thing that I do get plenty of, however, is guilt every time I would look out the window.
Guilty that I'm not a better gardener
Guilty that I'm wasting this space
Guilty that I'm starting to think I'm just finishing
Guilty that our harvest isn't better
This year, I kind of just gave up. Feeling like a black thumb kind of girl.
Have you ever felt that way about something in your life?
The Turning Point
Well, my husband took the reins. This spring, he decided to go ahead with the garden and he only planted a few things. Cabbage, tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, and zucchini. Focusing on the things he really wanted to plant.
The Lesson Hidden in the Harvest
Now you might be asking yourself, what on earth does this have to do with boundaries and values?
Well, I'm so glad you asked.
Understanding True Boundaries
See, boundaries are less about building walls and keeping people out than they are about tending your garden—keeping the things that matter most to you.
What Does Your Garden Look Like?
Now I want you to ask yourself: What does your garden look like?
Have you planted your garden, your life, with a whole bunch of "shoulds"? With all the things that everybody tells you a good mother has, or a good wife has, or a good friend has, or a good member of your church has, or a good human being has?
The Weight of "Shoulds"
Have you filled your life so full of all of those "shoulds" that:
You can't possibly sustain any of them?
Every time you look at your life, all you feel is guilt?
You're frustrated because nothing seems to be turning out the way you envisioned?
Or have you been really selective and planted your garden with only the things you truly value? The things that truly light you up? The things that you actually have time and space and energy to take care of and help flourish?
The True Purpose of Boundaries
This is what boundaries are about.
Boundaries are about choosing your values. They're about deciding that you want to be a person whose life reflects the things that matter most to you.
It's Not About Rejecting Others
This doesn't mean you have to reject other people. It doesn't mean you have to be less loving. It doesn't mean that you have to be selfish or isolated.
What it means is that you get to be intentional about what you grow in your life so that when you invite people into your garden, you are excited and joyful about what you have to offer instead of guilty and frustrated about how bad your harvest is.
Tending Your Garden
When you set boundaries based on your values:
You create space for what matters most. Just like my husband focusing on five vegetables instead of fifteen meant each plant got the attention it needed.
You eliminate the guilt. When your garden only contains what you've intentionally chosen, there's no shame in what's not there.
You increase your harvest. Fewer commitments, done well, yield better results than many commitments done poorly.
You invite others into abundance. When people enter your life, they experience the best of what you have to offer, not the scraggly, neglected version.
Your Values Harvest
So here's my question for you today: What do you need to pull out of your garden?
What "shoulds" have you planted that are:
Draining your energy?
Creating guilt instead of joy?
Keeping you from tending what truly matters?
And perhaps more importantly: What do you want to intentionally plant?
What values do you want to cultivate? What relationships do you want to invest in? What activities truly light you up and deserve your focused attention?
The Invitation
Boundaries aren't walls that keep people out. Boundaries are gardens that create space for connection to flourish.
When you tend your garden with intention, when you plant only what you truly value and have the capacity to nurture, you create something beautiful. Something abundant. Something worth sharing.
And that's when the real harvest begins.
Listen to This Episode
This post is based on Episode 177: Values Harvest from the Seasons of Joy podcast. Listen to the full episode here for even more insights on creating boundaries that feel like gardens, not walls. Based on a concept taught by Randi Buckly.
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About the Host: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including how to transform conflict into connection. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
