Episode 175 - Understanding The Four Tendencies
Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies: Why Your Family and Work Relationships Feel Stuck (And How to Fix Them)
Understanding the Four Tendencies Framework
Have you ever wondered why your spouse doesn't follow through on personal goals, even though they show up reliably for everyone else? Or why your teenager questions every family rule while their sibling follows them without hesitation? The answer might lie in understanding personality frameworks like Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies.
The Four Tendencies framework explains how different people respond to expectations—both outer expectations (what others need from us) and inner expectations (promises we make to ourselves). This personality framework can transform how we communicate in families and approach workplace relationships.
What Are the Four Tendencies?
Gretchen Rubin's research identified four distinct personality types based on how people respond to expectations:
Upholder Personality Type
Upholders keep promises to others and themselves. They're natural planners who create systems and follow through consistently. In families, Upholders are the organizers who remember schedules and maintain traditions. At work, they excel in structured environments with clear expectations.
Upholder strengths:
Reliable and consistent
Strong self-discipline
Natural at creating and maintaining systems
Upholder challenges:
Can become the default organizer, leading to burnout
Struggle when others don't follow the same systems
May feel stressed by constant change or unclear expectations
Questioner Personality Type
Questioners need to understand the logic before committing. They do extensive research and won't move forward without a clear "why." These analytical thinkers make well-researched decisions but can frustrate others with constant questions.
Questioner strengths:
Excellent critical thinking skills
Make informed, logical decisions
Question ineffective systems
Questioner challenges:
Can experience analysis paralysis
May be perceived as difficult or not team players
Struggle with arbitrary rules that lack clear reasoning
Obliger Personality Type
Obligers meet outer expectations easily but struggle with inner expectations. They're incredibly reliable for others but need external accountability for personal goals. Obligers are the glue that holds families and teams together—until they experience "Obliger rebellion."
Obliger strengths:
Exceptionally dependable for others
Natural team players
Strong relationships and connections
Obliger challenges:
Neglect personal needs and goals
Difficulty saying no
Risk of burnout from over-commitment
Rebel Personality Type
Rebels resist all expectations, even their own. They value freedom and authenticity above all else. Rather than being defiant, Rebels are being true to their own value system and need for choice.
Rebel strengths:
Authentic and independent
Adaptable to change
Bring fresh perspectives
Rebel challenges:
May sabotage their own goals if they feel like obligations
Struggle in micromanaged environments
Can be perceived as difficult or unreliable
How the Four Tendencies Show Up in Family Life
Understanding different personality types can transform family dynamics. Consider a typical family morning:
The Upholder parent is stressed about being late. The Questioner child asks why they have to attend the event. The Obliger child agrees to get ready but is still in pajamas. The Rebel parent suddenly feels trapped by the commitment.
By 10 AM, everyone's frustrated—not because anyone is being difficult, but because four different operating systems are trying to run the same program.
Parenting Different Tendencies
Traditional parenting advice suggests we parent how we want to be parented. A better approach is parenting to how your child is wired:
Parenting Upholder children: Provide clear, consistent systems and structure they can rely on.
Parenting Questioner children: Explain the logic behind rules and allow them to ask questions.
Parenting Obliger children: Create external accountability systems for personal goals like homework or chores.
Parenting Rebel children: Offer choices within boundaries and use identity-based motivation ("A responsible person would...").
Marriage and Partnership Dynamics
When partners have different tendencies, conflict often arises from misunderstanding rather than incompatibility:
Upholder + Rebel partnerships: The Upholder creates structure for everyone's benefit; the Rebel experiences it as control. Both need to understand the other isn't being disrespectful—they're just wired differently.
Questioner + Obliger partnerships: One needs extensive discussion before decisions; the other wants to move forward. Neither approach is wrong—they're complementary when understood correctly.
The Four Tendencies in the Workplace
Career advice rarely accounts for personality differences. "Just network more" works differently for each tendency:
Upholders need a clear networking system with specific goals
Questioners want to understand why networking matters before investing time
Obligers succeed when networking is an external expectation from a mentor
Rebels find traditional networking inauthentic and need their own approach
Career Strategies by Tendency
Upholders at work: Thrive with clear advancement paths but struggle when priorities constantly shift or success metrics are undefined.
Questioners at work: Excel when they understand the mission and see how their work matters. They struggle with arbitrary rules or "because I said so" management.
Obligers at work: Need external accountability through mentors or coaches for career advancement. They often train their replacements for promotions they never request.
Rebels at work: Flourish with autonomy and variety. Even with respected managers, micromanagement causes them to disengage or quit.
How to Work With Different Tendencies
Success in relationships and work comes from creating space for everyone's wiring to contribute rather than trying to change people:
Working with Upholders: Appreciate their organization instead of labeling them controlling. Provide clear expectations and consistent systems.
Working with Questioners: Give them the information they need instead of asking them to "just trust." Expect questions and see them as valuable input.
Working with Obligers: Create external accountability for their personal goals. Check in regularly and help them advocate for themselves.
Working with Rebels: Offer choice within structure instead of rigid rules. Use identity-based language and respect their need for autonomy.
Discovering Your Tendency
Not sure which tendency describes you? Consider your response to New Year's resolutions:
Do you naturally keep them? (Upholder)
Do you research before committing? (Questioner)
Do you keep them only when someone else is counting on you? (Obliger)
Do you resist making them at all? (Rebel)
You can also take the free Four Tendencies quiz at gretchenrubin.com for a definitive answer.
Building Better Relationships Through Understanding
As Gretchen Rubin explains: "When we understand ourselves and how our Tendency shapes our perspective on the world, we can adapt our circumstances to suit our own nature—and when we understand how other people's Tendencies shape their perspective, we can engage with them more effectively."
The goal isn't to change your tendency or force others to change theirs. Instead, focus on four pillars:
Self-awareness: Understand your tendency and how it affects your relationships and work
Self-acceptance: Stop fighting your natural wiring
Self-compassion: Be gentle when your approach differs from others
Self-trust: Believe your way of working has value
Your Next Steps:
An invitation for you:
Identify your tendency using the framework or taking the quiz
Consider one important person in your life—what's their tendency?
Reflect on one stuck relationship—how might different wiring be creating friction?
Try one new approach based on understanding their tendency rather than expecting them to operate like you
When we stop trying to change each other and start trying to understand each other, relationships transform. You don't need to have it all figured out. You just need to be willing to pause, reflect, and try something different.
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About the Host: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including how to transform conflict into connection. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
