Episode 174 - Becoming Peacemakers: President Nelson’s Call to Transform Conflict
How to transform your most difficult relationships using President Russell M. Nelson's five principles from "Peacemakers Needed"
Have you been watching the news lately and thinking, "What is happening?" "Why is this happening?" "Where can I turn for peace?"
I've been feeling the same way. The world feels heavy right now, and there are heartbreaking events happening that affect us deeply. That's why I wanted to share something that has been on my heart—a message about becoming peacemakers in a world that desperately needs them.
As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I've been reflecting on the impact President Russell M. Nelson and his teachings have had on my life. President Nelson recently passed away, and his talk "Peacemakers Needed" from the April 2023 General Conference has been pivotal for me and countless others.
Today, I want to explore five quotes from this powerful talk that can completely reframe how we approach conflict. This isn't just about being nice or avoiding disagreements—this is about conflict transformation: changing the very nature of how we engage with difficult people and challenging situations.
Understanding Conflict Transformation vs. Conflict Resolution
Before we dive into President Nelson's five principles, let's understand what makes conflict transformation different from traditional conflict resolution.
Conflict resolution asks: "How do we find a compromise?"
Conflict transformation asks: "How do we change the very nature of this relationship so that we see each other differently?"
This distinction changes everything about how we approach our most challenging relationships.
Principle 1: True Discipleship Is About Action
What President Nelson Taught
His “true disciples build, lift, encourage, persuade, and inspire—no matter how difficult the situation. True disciples of Jesus Christ are peacemakers."
Why This Matters for Your Relationships
This quote hits differently when you're in the middle of conflict. Notice what's NOT on this list:
Proving you're right
Winning arguments
Making sure everyone knows who's at fault
Instead, look at those action verbs: build, lift, encourage, persuade, inspire.
Every single one requires you to be FOR the other person, even when you disagree with them. Even when they've hurt you. Even when they're completely wrong about something.
The Mother-in-Law Example
Let's say your mother-in-law constantly criticizes your parenting. Every visit becomes a battlefield. You've prepared defensive arguments, felt your body tense up, and spent hours afterward replaying conversations in your head.
When we look at President Nelson's quote, we have to ask: What would it look like to build, lift, and encourage in this situation?
Your first thought might be: "But she's the one attacking me!"
And that's where most of us get stuck. We think peacemaking means the other person has to change first.
What if you started asking yourself before each visit, "How can I see my mother-in-law as someone struggling rather than someone attacking?"
You might realize she's actually terrified about becoming irrelevant in her grandchildren's lives. She's fighting for connection the only way she knows how.
This doesn't mean you agree with the criticism. But it means you can respond with "I can tell you really care about the kids" instead of defending your choices. That one shift can begin transforming the entire relationship.
The Key Distinction
Being a peacemaker doesn't mean being passive. It doesn't mean letting people walk all over you. It means you're actively working to build something better, even in difficult situations.
You're transforming conflict from a battle to be won into a relationship to be strengthened.
Principle 2: Peacemaking and Contention Are Both Choices
What President Nelson Taught
"Contention is a choice. Peacemaking is a choice. Anger never persuades. Hostility builds no one."
Why This Matters
When you're in conflict, it doesn't FEEL like a choice. It feels like you're reacting to someone else's poor behavior. It feels like they started it, they're being unreasonable, and your anger is the natural, justified response.
But here's the truth that will set you free: Your response is always a choice.
Not an easy choice. Not a comfortable choice. But a choice nonetheless.
This is where conflict transformation really begins—when you recognize that you have personal agency in every single interaction, no matter what the other person is saying or doing.
The Subtle Trap We Fall Into
We often deceive ourselves with narratives like:
"I'm not being hostile. I'm just being honest."
"I'm just setting boundaries."
"I'm just standing up for myself."
But ask yourself:
Am I trying to persuade with anger?
Am I trying to build with hostility?
Am I choosing contention and calling it something else?
President Nelson is clear: Anger never persuades. Period. Hostility builds no one. Period.
Think about the last time someone persuaded you of something while they were angry with you. Never happened, right? Anger makes people defensive. Hostility makes people shut down. Contention creates more contention.
The Two Energies You Can Bring to Conflict
I remember a business situation where I felt completely justified in my frustration. A colleague had taken offense to something, and I needed to have a difficult conversation.
I had two choices:
Address it with the energy of "You messed up and I need you to know it"
Address it with the energy of "Something went wrong and we need to solve it together"
Same issue. Completely different energy.
The first choice feels satisfying in the moment—you get to release your anger and feel righteous. But it doesn't actually solve anything. It just creates defensiveness and damages the relationship.
The second choice requires you to lay down your need to be right, your need to express your anger, your need to make them feel bad. It requires you to choose peacemaking over contention.
When you choose peacemaking, problems actually get solved. When you choose contention, you might win the battle but you lose the relationship.
Principle 3: Compassion Is the Identifier
What President Nelson Taught
"One of the easiest ways to identify a true follower of Jesus Christ is how compassionately that person treats other people."
The Mirror Check
This one can feel uncomfortable. It's easy to evaluate everyone else's level of discipleship, but President Nelson is holding up a mirror for us.
If someone followed you around for a week and listened to:
How you talk to your spouse when you're frustrated
How you speak about that coworker who annoys you
How you respond to your teenage child who's pushing boundaries
How you react to political posts from family members
How you treat the customer service person when something goes wrong
What would they conclude about your discipleship?
The Compassion Gap
Most of us have a massive compassion gap between how we treat strangers and how we treat the people closest to us.
We'll be patient and kind with a stranger at the grocery store, but then snap at our spouse when we get home. We'll give grace to a friend going through a hard time, but judge our sister for making the same choices.
Why? Because conflict is easier with people who don't matter as much to us. The stakes are lower.
But with the people we're in deep relationship with—the ones who can really hurt us, the ones we have history with, the ones whose choices affect our lives—that's where our real character shows up.
How to Transform Through Compassion
Conflict transformation requires compassion. Not just empathy (understanding what someone is feeling), but compassion (being moved to act with kindness because of what they're experiencing).
This means:
Seeing your teenage daughter's eye roll as insecurity rather than disrespect
Seeing your spouse's criticism as fear rather than attack
Seeing your parent's control as anxiety rather than manipulation
Seeing your friend's distance as overwhelm rather than rejection
When you lead with compassion, you transform how you show up in conflict. You become curious instead of defensive. You become concerned instead of critical. You become part of the solution instead of part of the problem.
A Practice to Try
When you feel yourself getting frustrated with someone, pause and ask: "What might be true about their struggle that I can't see?"
Not "What excuse can I make for them?" But "What real, human struggle might be driving their behavior?"
This doesn't mean you excuse harmful behavior. It means you see the person behind the behavior. And that changes everything.
Principle 4: Charity Is the Antidote
What President Nelson Taught
"The pure love of Christ is the answer to the contention that ails us today. Charity propels us to bear one another's burdens rather than heap burdens upon each other."
The Burden Question
This quote invites us to evaluate: Are you bearing burdens or heaping them?
In conflict, we almost always think we're the one carrying burdens while the other person is heaping them on us. But President Nelson is asking us to examine our own behavior.
When you're in conflict with someone, are you:
Listening to understand or listening to refute?
Offering support or offering criticism?
Making their life easier or harder?
Helping them carry what they're going through or adding to it?
This is hard to look at honestly. Because often we're heaping burdens while telling ourselves we're being helpful.
What Heaping Burdens Looks Like
In a marriage conflict: "I told you that wouldn't work" (adding shame to their struggle)
In a parenting conflict: "When I was your age, I never..." (adding comparison to their challenge)
In a friend conflict: Going silent and making them guess what's wrong (adding confusion to the hurt)
In a work conflict: Complaining about someone to others instead of addressing it directly (adding reputation damage to the problem)
Every one of those responses heaps burdens. And charity does the opposite.
What Bearing Burdens Looks Like
Charity in conflict looks like:
"I can see this is really hard for you. How can I help?"
"I'm struggling with what happened. Can we talk about it?"
"You seem stressed. What's going on?"
"I care about our relationship. Let's figure this out together."
Notice the difference? Bearing burdens requires you to set aside your need to be right, your need to punish, your need to make them understand how much they hurt you.
It requires you to show up with the pure love of Christ—love that seeks their good even when you're in pain.
The Transformation That Happens
When you approach conflict with charity, you transform it from a battle into a collaboration. Instead of "me against you," it becomes "us against the problem."
Marriages can turn around when both people ask "How can I bear your burden?" instead of "Why are you making my life so hard?"
Parent-child relationships can heal when parents stop heaping expectations and start bearing the weight of their child's struggles with them.
This is conflict transformation at its core—changing the fundamental question from "Who's right?" to "How can we help each other?"
Principle 5: Laying Aside What Blocks Peace
What President Nelson Taught
"Now is the time to lay aside bitterness. Now is the time to cease insisting that it is your way or no way."
The Uncomfortable Truth
Notice President Nelson doesn't say "Now is the time for the other person to apologize" or "Now is the time for them to change."
He says now is the time for YOU to lay aside bitterness. For YOU to stop insisting on your way.
This is where conflict transformation gets really personal. Because we want to believe that peace will come when the other person changes.
But peace actually comes when WE change how we're holding the conflict.
What Are You Holding Onto?
Ask yourself honestly:
What bitterness am I nursing?
What grudge am I keeping alive?
What wrong am I replaying over and over?
Where am I insisting it must be my way?
What do I need to be right about?
These are the things that keep conflict alive. Not the original disagreement. Not the other person's flaws. The things WE are holding onto.
The Cost of Bitterness
You've probably heard the phrase: "Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
It doesn't hurt them—it hurts you. It keeps you trapped in the past, unable to move forward. It shapes every interaction and makes peace impossible.
Bitterness can feel righteous. It feels like you're honoring the wrong that was done to you. It feels like letting go means the other person "wins."
But bitterness doesn't protect you. It imprisons you.
The Freedom of Laying It Down
Freedom comes from being able to lay the bitterness aside.
This doesn't mean what happened was okay. It doesn't mean you're weak or letting them off the hook. It means you're choosing freedom over bondage. You're choosing peace over payback.
When you lay aside your insistence on being right, something miraculous happens. You create space for actual connection. You open the door for real conversation. You make room for the other person to soften too.
It's easy to wait for the other person to apologize and believe we're right to feel hurt by what happened.
But our bitterness doesn't punish the other person. It punishes US. We miss out on connection in our relationships. We carry this heavy burden every single day.
We can decide to lay it down. Not because the other person deserves it. Not because what happened was okay. But because WE deserve peace.
This isn't easy. But it allows us to transform conflict. We don't have to wait for the other person to change. We can change ourselves. We can clean up our side of the street.
That's conflict transformation.
Your Peacemaker Challenge: 5 Principles in Action
Let's review what President Nelson taught us:
True disciples take action: Build, lift, encourage, persuade, and inspire—especially in difficult situations
Peacemaking is always a choice: Your response is never automatic, even when their behavior is wrong
Compassion is the identifier: How you treat others reveals your discipleship more than anything else
Charity transforms conflict: Focus on bearing burdens instead of heaping them
Let go of what blocks peace: Lay aside bitterness and the insistence on your way
Here's My Invitation to You
Pick ONE relationship where there's conflict or tension right now. It might be big or small. Then:
Observe Yourself
Notice when you're choosing contention over peacemaking
Notice when you're heaping burdens instead of bearing them
Just observe without judgment
Ask the Questions
What burden might this person be carrying that I can't see?
Am I trying to persuade with anger or hostility?
What bitterness am I holding onto?
Take Action
Choose one specific way to build, lift, or encourage
Look for an opportunity to bear their burden instead of adding to it
Practice letting go of your need to be right
That's it. One relationship. Five principles.
What to Expect
Best case scenario: The relationship starts to shift. The other person responds to your change. Peace becomes possible.
Realistic case scenario: You feel more peace even if the other person doesn't change. You're no longer trapped by bitterness and anger. You've transformed YOUR experience of the conflict.
Hard case scenario: Nothing changes externally, but you've proven to yourself that you can be a peacemaker regardless of circumstances. And that changes how you move through the world.
The Ripple Effect of Becoming a Peacemaker
When you become a peacemaker, it doesn't just change one relationship. It changes YOU. And when you change, you show up differently everywhere.
Your kids watch you handle conflict with compassion instead of hostility, and they learn a better way.
Your spouse experiences you bearing burdens instead of heaping them, and your marriage deepens.
Your friends see you laying aside bitterness instead of nursing grudges, and they feel safer being vulnerable with you.
Your coworkers notice you building and lifting instead of criticizing, and your whole workplace culture shifts.
One person choosing to be a peacemaker creates ripples that spread far beyond what you can see.
Final Thoughts: The Higher Way
President Nelson isn't asking us to be doormats. He's not asking us to pretend everything is fine when it's not. He's not asking us to accept abuse or stay in harmful situations.
He's asking us to operate at a higher level. To engage conflict in a way that transforms it rather than perpetuates it. To be disciples of Jesus Christ not just in word, but in how we treat people when things get hard.
This is the path of true conflict transformation. It isn't about avoiding or winning conflict. It's about transforming it.
You Are Invited to Become a Peacemaker
I want to invite you to see yourself as someone who is becoming a peacemaker. Not someone who has arrived. Not someone who does it perfectly. But someone who is actively choosing to build, lift, encourage, persuade, and inspire—even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard.
Because the world desperately needs peacemakers right now. Your family needs a peacemaker. Your workplace needs a peacemaker. Your community needs a peacemaker.
And President Nelson has made it very clear: that peacemaker is you. That peacemaker is me. We are all invited to be peacemakers.
Need Support on Your Peacemaking Journey?
The world feels heavy right now. There are heartbreaking events happening that affect us deeply. And we aren't meant to navigate these difficulties alone.
If you need a space to process what you're feeling, to talk through what's on your heart, or to help regulate your nervous system when everything feels overwhelming, I'm here for you.
I offer complimentary Clarity Conversations where we can talk about whatever you're struggling with and help you gain clarity around your challenge. Whether you've worked with me before or this is your first time connecting, this conversation is available to you.
If you want personal support in transforming conflict in your life, visit seasons-coaching.com/work-with-me to schedule your conversation or learn about working with me one-on-one.
Remember This
Contention is a choice. Peacemaking is a choice. And you have more power to transform conflict than you think you do—one compassionate interaction at a time.
This post is based on Episode 174 of the Seasons of Joy Podcast. Listen to the full episode here or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
Related Resources:
Want More Clarity?
Are you ready to take it to a deeper level? Jill would love to be your coach!
Click HERE to learn about all the ways you can work together!
Click HERE to schedule a FREE Clarity Conversation with Jill.
Click HERE to check out her FREEBIES!
Click on the following links to learn more about Seasons Coaching and the Seasons of Joy Community Facebook Group.
To contact Jill about speaking to your group or business, email her at jill@seasons-coaching.com.
Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast and rate and leave a review! Help spread these tools!
About the Host: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including how to transform conflict into connection. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
Keywords: conflict transformation, becoming a peacemaker, President Russell M Nelson, Peacemakers Needed, resolving family conflict, compassion in relationships, LDS conflict resolution, choosing peace over contention, transforming difficult relationships, charity in conflict, laying aside bitterness
