Episode 172 - The Stories I’m Telling Myself
How to Transform Relationships by Changing Your Internal Narrative
Originally aired as Episode 172 of the Seasons of Joy Podcast
For years, I believed that when my adult children made decisions I didn't understand, it meant I had failed as a mother. Every choice that didn't align with what I thought was best became evidence that something had gone terribly wrong in how I had raised them.
If you're a parent struggling with your adult children's choices, or if you find yourself hurt by decisions made by your spouse, friends, or family members, this post is for you. Today we're exploring the importance of examining the stories we tell ourselves about what other people's choices mean about us, about them, and about our relationships.
The Problem: Making Their Choices About You
I've worked with many midlife women who struggle with the choices of the people in their lives. They feel devastated because their children are making choices that go against what they've been taught. Or they feel hurt by the choices of their partner or friend, and they just don't understand why this person would "do this to them."
Do you hear it? "Do this to them."
When we use this language, we're not just disagreeing with someone's choices. We're making their choices about us. We're telling ourselves stories that their decisions are:
A rejection of our values
A statement about our parenting (or our worth as a spouse/friend)
Even a deliberate act against us
But what if none of that was true?
My Personal Story: The College Decision
I remember when one of my children told me they were not going to continue college and finish their degree. My immediate internal response was panic.
The story I started telling myself went something like this: "They're being irresponsible. They're going to struggle financially. They didn't listen to anything we taught them about security and planning and education. What will people think about them or how we raised them? What if they fail?"
Notice how quickly I made their educational choice about me, about my fears, about my reputation as a parent. The story I was telling myself about their choice was actually revealing more about my context filter—the lens through which I see life—rather than about their decision.
The Framework: Facts vs. Meaning vs. Story
The stories we tell ourselves have three distinct parts:
1. The Facts
What actually happened—the boring, objective part of the story.
2. The Meaning
What we decide it all means.
3. The Story
The narrative we create to connect the facts and the meaning.
Let's break down my child's educational decision using this framework:
The Fact: My child decided to leave college and not get their degree.
The Meaning I Assigned: This means they're being irresponsible and didn't learn our family values about education.
The Story I Created: "They're making a mistake that will hurt them, and it reflects poorly on me and on them. I need to convince them they're wrong."
What Happens When We Separate Fact from Fiction?
The fact stays the same—they decided not to continue with college. But alternative meanings could include:
They're brave enough to pursue their passion
They're growing into their own person
They trust themselves enough to figure things out
The new story becomes: "They're making a choice that feels right for them. This is about their journey, not my parenting. I can support them while still having my own concerns."
Same fact, completely different experience for both of us.
The Story Spiral: How We Get Stuck
When we're stuck in our stories, especially ones that make us the victim, we fall into what I call the "Story Spiral":
Stage 1: Story Creation
"Their choice means something bad about me or them."
Stage 2: Evidence Gathering
We look for proof that our story is true and ignore evidence that contradicts it.
Stage 3: Emotional Amplification
The story creates strong emotions (fear, anger, disappointment) which we then use as evidence that the story must be true.
Stage 4: Reactive Behavior
We act from the story rather than from love. We lecture, withdraw, or try to control.
Stage 5: Relationship Damage
Our reactive behavior pushes people away, which becomes new evidence for our original story.
I was completely stuck in this spiral with the college situation. The more I tried to convince my child they were making a mistake, the less they shared with me about their plans. Their withdrawal became evidence in my mind that they knew they were wrong and couldn't handle me being right.
Breaking Free: The 4-Step Process
How do we get out of the Story Spiral? We learn to become the author of our own narrative instead of the victim of it.
Step 1: Catch the Story
Notice when you're telling yourself a story about what someone else's behavior means. The clue is usually in your emotions. If you're feeling hurt, angry, or disappointed by someone else's choice, there's likely a story underneath.
Step 2: Separate Facts from Fiction
Ask yourself: "What actually happened here?" versus "What am I making it mean?" This isn't about dismissing your concerns—it's about getting clear on what's real versus what's interpretation.
Step 3: Get Curious About Alternative Stories
What else could this mean?
What would someone who loves this person unconditionally assume about their choice?
What story would create more connection instead of more distance?
Step 4: Choose Your Story Intentionally
You get to decide what story serves your relationship better—not what story feels most familiar or most justified, but what story creates the relationship you actually want.
Powerful Story Shifts for Better Relationships
Here are examples of story transformations that can strengthen your connections:
Old Story: "They're not calling me enough because they don't care about family anymore." New Story: "They're building their own life, which is exactly what I raised them to do. When they call, I'll make it so enjoyable they'll want to call more."
Old Story: "They chose that partner to rebel against everything we taught them." New Story: "They're choosing someone who makes them happy. I don't have to understand their choice to support their happiness."
Old Story: "They're making financial decisions that prove they didn't learn responsibility." New Story: "They're learning to manage money through their own experience. I can be a resource if they ask, but I don't need to be their teacher anymore."
Old Story: "They don't make time for me because they don't care about me." New Story: "This isn't about me at all. They're navigating their life the best way they know how, and I can focus on being fully present during the time we do spend together."
Why We Resist Changing Our Stories
Sometimes the old stories feel safer. If other people's choices are about us, then we have some control. If we can just explain the right way, fix their thinking, or show them their mistakes, we can prevent bad outcomes.
But when I was trying to control my adult children's stories, it was actually preventing them from learning to write their own. When I stopped making their choices about my parenting success or failure, they started asking for my perspective again—not because they had to, but because they wanted to.
The same principle applies to marriage. When I stopped making my partner's choices about me as his spouse, I could show up differently. I didn't have to blame, criticize, defend myself, or give silent treatment to control his actions so I could feel better.
The Power of Intentional Storytelling
By deciding what stories I want playing in my head, I free myself to love others well. I get to show up as the person I want to be regardless of what the other person is doing.
This doesn't mean we always write a happy story. But by examining our stories and being honest with ourselves, we create space for more honesty in our relationships. By removing the drama, we generate emotions that fuel behaviors building connection instead of creating disconnection.
Sometimes this includes having difficult conversations—but we approach them from a completely different emotional place when we pay attention to the stories playing in our heads.
Your Challenge This Week
Pay attention to the stories you're telling yourself about others' choices. When you notice a strong emotional reaction to something they've shared or done, pause and ask:
"What story am I telling myself about what this means?"
"What story would someone who completely trusted this person tell about the same situation?"
You don't have to believe the new story immediately. Just notice how different stories feel different in your body and consider the possibilities for greater connection in your relationships.
The Truth About Stories and Relationships
The stories you tell yourself about the people in your life and their choices have more power over your relationship than their actual choices do.
When I finally understood this, really understood it, my relationships changed. I stopped being the victim of other people's decisions and became the author of my own experience with them. I stopped waiting for them to make different choices so I could feel better about our relationship, and I started choosing thoughts and stories that created the connection I wanted right now.
This doesn't mean I don't have concerns sometimes or that I agree with every choice they make. It means I've learned that my love for them and my peace of mind don't have to depend on their decisions aligning with my preferences.
The people in your life are going to write their own stories, make their own choices, and learn their own lessons whether you stress about it or not. The only story you get to control is the one you tell yourself about what their choices mean.
Choose Your Story
I invite you to choose the story that allows you to love them well. Choose the story that keeps your heart open. Choose the story that creates space for connection instead of distance.
You are not the victim of other people's choices. You are the author of your own experience, and that is incredibly empowering.
Remember: choose the story that creates the relationship you actually want.
If this post resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with someone who might need to hear this message. For more content on creating joyful relationships and personal growth, subscribe to the Seasons of Joy Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts.
Related Topics: adult children relationships, parenting adult children, relationship communication, personal growth, midlife challenges, family dynamics, emotional regulation
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About the Host: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including how to transform conflict into connection. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
