Episode 168 - The Mom You Want to Be
A Guide to Loving Adult Children Well
When we stop trying to change our adult children and start focusing on who we want to be as their mothers, everything shifts.
If you're a mom of adult children, you know this season can feel like the hardest one yet. When they were little, your role was clear: feed them, protect them, guide them. But now? Now they're making decisions you might not agree with, living lives that look different from what you envisioned, and sometimes it feels like they don't even need you anymore.
I've been there. I know the stories we tell ourselves: I must have failed as a mother. I'm a terrible mother. They don't want me in their lives. I've walked away from difficult conversations with my adult children wondering where I went wrong.
But what if these stories aren't the whole truth?
The Power of Perspective in Mother-Adult Child Relationships
Here's something that changed everything for me: So much of our relationships with our adult children exist within our own minds.
Yes, we influence each other, but most of the time the quality of our relationship is shaped by the stories we tell ourselves—about them, about ourselves as their mothers, and about what their behavior means.
Let me give you an example. Your adult daughter doesn't call for two weeks. The facts are simple: she didn't call. But the story you might create could be: She doesn't care about me. I'm a burden to her. She's rejecting everything I've taught her.
But what if those are just stories? What if the real story is that she's been overwhelmed at work, dealing with her own stresses, actually thinking about calling you but worried you'll be upset that she hasn't called sooner?
Same facts. Completely different story.
This understanding is freeing because it means we don't have to change our adult children to have the relationship we want with them. We get to focus on what we can control: our thoughts, our responses, and who we choose to be in that relationship.
Why Values Matter More Than Outcomes
One of the first steps to strengthening relationships with adult children is getting clear on your values and creating a vision for who you want to be as their mother.
If we don't intentionally decide who we want to be in these relationships, we'll find ourselves reacting out of fear, disappointment, or old patterns that no longer serve us. I know this because I learned it the hard way.
Values are the ways of living and being that are important and meaningful to you. When we know our values, we can use them as our North Star, especially when emotions are running high or when our adult children make choices we don't understand.
Reflective Questions for Identifying Your Values
Take some time to honestly consider these questions:
What does being a good mother to an adult child mean to you? (Not what society says, but what YOU believe)
What do you feel most passionate about regarding your relationship with your grown child?
When you think about a struggling relationship, what do you wish was different and why?
What emotions come up when your adult child makes choices you disagree with?
How do you typically respond when you feel those emotions?
Don't overthink this. Just ponder and write down whatever comes to mind without judgment. This is about gaining clarity, not finding perfect answers.
Core Values for Mothering Adult Children
Here are some values that resonate with many women I work with. Notice which ones stand out to you:
Acceptance: Loving your adult child for who they are, not for who you hoped they would become.
Respect: Honoring their autonomy and adult decisions. We often want respect from our children but forget to demonstrate what respect looks like in return.
Connection: Prioritizing relationship over being right. Needing to be right is the quickest way to create disconnection.
Patience: Giving the relationship time to heal and grow. This isn't a race—there's no deadline for creating healthier relationships.
Trust: Believing in the foundation you built during their childhood and trusting them to manage their own lives.
Wisdom: Knowing when to speak and when to listen. When is it time to offer honest, loving input, and when is it time to simply listen?
Forgiveness: Releasing past regrets and moving forward with love. This includes forgiving both your children and yourself.
Growth: Continuing to evolve as a mother in this new season. It's never too late to become the person you want to be.
Choose three to five values that really speak to you. Write them down and put them somewhere visible. These will guide you when emotions run high and old patterns try to take over.
Creating Your Vision: Who Do You Want to Be?
Once you understand your values, it's time to focus on your vision. Consider these questions:
If you lived in alignment with your values, how would you respond when your adult child shares difficult news?
What would it look like to be the kind of mother your adult child could actually confide in?
How can you honor both your desire for connection and their need for independence?
If you could only be remembered for three qualities as their mother, what would they be?
Who do you want to be in your child's life story?
Values in Action: Real-Life Examples
Let's see how this works in practice:
Scenario 1: Your adult child calls struggling with work problems. Instead of immediately offering solutions, if your values include respect and trust, you might say: "That sounds really challenging. How are you thinking about handling that?"
Scenario 2: Your adult child chooses a career, partner, or lifestyle different from your vision. Through values of acceptance and love, you might respond: "I can see this is important to you. Tell me what you love about it."
Scenario 3: Your adult child doesn't call as often as you'd like. Instead of creating stories about them not caring, respect for their busy adult life might look like sending a text: "Thinking of you. No need to respond—just wanted you to know I love you."
My Story
A few years ago, I found myself constantly worried about one of my children's choices. I believed I knew what they should and shouldn't do. While I wanted to be a loving mother, I was operating from fear and control. I felt frustrated and sad, and I could feel the distance growing in our relationship.
When I did this values work, I realized that while I valued my child's wellbeing, I also valued respect and trust. I had to ask myself hard questions: Was my behavior showing respect for their ability to make decisions? Was I demonstrating trust in the values I'd spent years instilling?
The answer was no. That was hard to face, but it was also freeing because honesty and self-awareness free us to start doing something different.
I began asking myself: "What would respect and trust look like in this situation?" It changed how I showed up, and our relationship began to heal.
The Truth About Independence
Here's what I want you to understand: Your adult child's independence isn't a rejection of you. It's evidence that you raised them well.
They're supposed to create their own lives, make their own choices, even their own mistakes. So many of us want to protect them from mistakes, but what if those mistakes are part of their growth? What if those very experiences help them become who they're meant to be?
Your job now isn't to control or fix, but to love and support. I know this is hard—I'm not pretending it's easy to watch your children make choices you wouldn't make. But love, real love, is the only force that can bridge the gaps between people.
This reminds me of something beautiful about the Savior's example. He never forced anyone to follow Him. He invited, encouraged, loved, served, and allowed people the dignity of their own choices, even when those choices broke His heart.
Your Next Steps
Here's my invitation to you:
Identify your values and vision: Choose three to five core values that will guide you as the mother you want to be.
Write your intention: Create one sentence describing who you want to be in this relationship.
Start small: Pick one interaction you might have with your adult child this week and ask yourself, "How can I show up in alignment with my values here?"
It might be as simple as listening without giving advice or sending a supportive text without expecting a response. Small steps, my friends. Small steps.
Remember, you don't have to be perfect to have a meaningful relationship with your adult child. You just have to be intentional.
The relationship you want is possible, and it starts with who you choose to be.
If you're struggling with relationships with your adult children, I'd love to help. You can schedule a complimentary clarity conversation where we can explore your values and vision so you can be the mom you want to be. Until next time, be gentle with yourself and trust the process.
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About the Author: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including transforming conflict into an adventure. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
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