Episode 164 - The Hidden Expectations That Are Sabotaging Your Relationships
Why Mind-Reading Isn't Love
Stop expecting people to guess what you need and start telling them – your relationships will thank you for it.
The Relationship Killer No One Talks About
Think about the last time you felt frustrated with someone close to you. Now ask yourself this crucial question: Did they actually know what you needed from them, or were you expecting them to just know?
If you're like most people, you've probably fallen into the trap of having hidden expectations. These are invisible rules about how your relationships should work that you've never actually shared with anyone else. These unspoken expectations are quietly sabotaging your most important relationships, creating resentment cycles that leave everyone confused and disconnected.
What Are Hidden Expectations?
Hidden expectations are the invisible rulebook we all carry about how our relationships should function. The problem? We've never handed anyone else a copy of this rulebook.
Common Examples of Hidden Expectations
In Romantic Relationships:
"If I'm upset, a caring partner should notice and ask what's wrong"
"Thoughtful partners remember what I tell them about my day"
"If I do something nice, they should reciprocate in a similar way"
"When I'm talking, they should look me in the eyes and be fully engaged"
With Adult Children:
"If I text my adult child, they should reply within a day or two"
"My kids should maintain the same faith tradition they grew up with"
General Relationship Rules:
"Considerate people are always on time"
"If someone cares about me, they'll make time for me"
"We should always be on the same page about important things"
Where Do These Hidden Rules Come From?
1. Family of Origin
Your family created your first relationship template. Maybe your dad always brought your mom flowers on Fridays, so you unconsciously expect the same romantic gestures from your partner.
2. Past Relationships
Previous relationships can leave invisible scars. If your ex was clingy, you might expect your current partner to give you lots of space – but they don't know this history.
3. Cultural Absorption
We absorb relationship "shoulds" from everywhere: romantic comedies, social media, friends' stories. None of it is necessarily true for your unique relationship.
The Mind-Reading Trap: Why Expecting Others to Read Your Mind Isn't Fair
Here's the truth that might sting: Expecting others to read your mind isn't considerate – it's actually unfair.
Caring about you and knowing what you need are two completely different things. We think our needs are obvious because they're obvious to us, but what makes perfect sense in your mind might be invisible to someone else.
When you think "they should just know without me asking," you're making love a guessing game.
Real-Life Examples
Sarah's Story: Sarah was hurt that her husband didn't comfort her during a stressful work situation. But she had retreated to their room and closed the door – he thought she wanted space. Both were operating with good intentions but opposite assumptions.
Mike's Dilemma: Mike expected his girlfriend to be excited about his promotion, but she seemed distracted. He didn't know she was worried about how his new schedule would affect their time together. Neither voiced their real thoughts and feelings.
Common Categories of Hidden Expectations:
Time and Availability
People should prioritize you the same way you prioritize them
Response time expectations for texts, calls, and plans
Assumptions about what "making time" looks like
Emotional Support
Partners should know when you need to vent vs. when you need solutions
Expectations about mood matching during difficult times
Assumptions about validation before perspective-giving
Household and Responsibilities
Partners should notice what needs doing without being told
Undefined expectations about 50-50 splits
Assumptions about who should take initiative with planning
Social and Family Dynamics
Partners should want to spend time with your extended family
Expectations about being defended in social situations
The dangerous "we should be on the same page" assumption
The Resentment Cycle: How Hidden Expectations Destroy Relationships
Hidden expectations create a predictable and destructive pattern:
Stage 1: Silent Disappointment
You expect something to happen, and it doesn't. You think: "I can't believe they didn't remember."
Stage 2: Meaning-Making
You assign meaning to their behavior: "They don't care about me."
Stage 3: Evidence Collection
You start noticing other supporting "evidence" that builds your case against them.
Stage 4: Explosion or Withdrawal
You either blow up or give the cold shoulder, depending on your personality.
Stage 5: Confusion and Defensiveness
The other person feels confused and defensive because they don't know where this is coming from.
A Personal Example: The Sunday TV Struggle
Early in my marriage, I felt deep resentment about my husband watching TV on Sundays after church. My hidden expectation was that "good religious people don't turn on TV right after church – and he should just know this."
This belief created a weekly cycle of disappointment, withdrawal, and grumpiness that lasted for years. The solution wasn't lowering my expectations – it was making them visible and focusing on my own choices rather than trying to control his.
Breaking the Pattern: Making Hidden Expectations Visible
The best way to stop the resentment cycle is to make your hidden expectations visible by asking yourself these questions:
What do I expect my partner to know about me without me telling them?
What behaviors do I interpret as "not caring" that might just be a different style?
What am I keeping score of that the other person doesn't even know is a game?
When I feel disappointed, what was I hoping would happen that didn't?
How to Communicate Your Needs Effectively
Instead of accusatory statements, try informative communication:
Instead of: "You never help me." Try: "I'd really appreciate help with dinner cleanup on weeknights."
Instead of: "You don't care about my day." Try: "I'd love to share some highlights from my day with you when we get home. Is that a good time for you?"
Instead of: "You're not romantic." Try: "I feel really loved when you do small, thoughtful things for me. Even something as simple as bringing me a cold drink makes me feel special."
The Goal Isn't Lower Expectations. It's Clear Communication
The goal isn't to have no expectations or to demand that all your expectations be met. Both extremes disconnect us from our relationships.
The goal is to make the hidden visible.
When you communicate your needs clearly, you:
Give your relationships a fighting chance
Provide people with a roadmap to love you well
Create opportunities for genuine connection instead of guesswork
Your Next Steps: From Hidden to Helpful
This Week's Challenge
Identify one hidden expectation you've been carrying. Practice saying it out loud in a way that's informative, not accusatory. See what happens when you give people the roadmap to love you well.
Questions for Self-Reflection
What invisible rules am I operating by in my closest relationships?
Where might I be expecting mind-reading instead of clear communication?
What resentments am I carrying that stem from unspoken expectations?
The Bottom Line
People in your life aren't failing you on purpose. They're just working with incomplete information. When you make your hidden expectations visible, you're not being needy or demanding. You're being clear, and clarity is one of the greatest gifts you can give any relationship.
Stop expecting people to guess what you need and start telling them. Your relationships will thank you for it.
Are you struggling with hidden expectations in your relationships? Sometimes we need help identifying these invisible patterns so we can begin repairing struggling relationships. Consider scheduling a free clarity conversation to explore how coaching can help you create more joyful, connected relationships.
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About the Author: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including transforming conflict into an adventure. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
Keywords: relationship expectations, communication in relationships, resentment in marriage, hidden expectations, relationship coaching, mind reading in relationships, clear communication, relationship patterns
Meta Description: Discover how hidden expectations are sabotaging your relationships and learn practical strategies to communicate your needs clearly instead of expecting others to read your mind.
