Episode 163 - How We Treat Others: Nice vs Kind
Episode 163 of the Seasons of Joy Podcast explores why being "nice" might actually be holding you back from truly helping the people you care about most.
My Wake-Up Call About Nice vs Kind
I grew up believing that I needed to be a nice person. I shouldn't make people feel bad, right? I'm thinking that you probably received that message too.
You might have also received a similar message that it was better to go along with others and just not ruffle any feathers. It was better to not have conflict. I believed that conflict was something that wasn't good and should be avoided at all costs.
Peace has also always been important to me, and tension in my relationships has scared me.
However, a few years ago, I had an experience where I was trying to keep the peace in a contentious situation. I was trying to see both sides. I was trying to be neutral in order to make the contention and the conflict go away, and for peace and harmony to return.
And that sounds nice, right?
But the truth was, it wasn't neutral. I did have an opinion, but I was afraid to share it.
This belief and this fear prevented me from managing myself or showing up as the person that I wanted to be in that situation. Nice Jill was trying to manage and control others in order to remove the tension so she could feel better and honestly, so she could feel safer.
It wasn't about being honest or kind. It was about trying to control the situation.
As I reflected on this situation over the last few years, I have a different perspective now. What if I have this whole nice and kind thing wrong?
What These Words Actually Mean
When we look at the dictionary definitions, nice typically describes someone who's pleasant, polite, agreeable to others. It's about pleasing. It's being socially acceptable and appropriate.
Kind, on the other hand, describes someone who performs good acts for others, someone with a benevolent nature who shows genuine care and consideration.
But here's where it gets interesting. When we look at what the roots are of these words, that can also show us some insight.
The word "nice" actually comes from a Latin word, "nesius," and it means ignorant. Isn't that interesting? Over time, nice has evolved through different meanings like timid, faint-hearted, before becoming our modern idea of pleasant and agreeable.
Meanwhile, "kind" has roots in Middle English, meaning friendly or deliberately doing good to others. It is also connected to the Germanic word for kin, as in family.
So kindness could be literally about treating others like family.
Already, just looking at the meaning and the definition of those words, we can begin to see they're actually not the same thing at all.
The Core Difference That Changes Everything
I would offer that the core distinction comes down to motivation and focus.
Niceness is Often Self-Centered
We're nice because we want to be liked, we want to avoid conflict, or we want to maintain our image as a good person. It's about us and how other people perceive us.
Kindness is Other-Centered
It focuses on what the other person actually needs, even if that's uncomfortable, inconvenient, or doesn't make us look good at all.
Think about it this way:
Niceness is expressed through words and gestures - we say the right thing, we smile, we're polite
Kindness is expressed through actions - doing what actually helps the other person, even when it's hard
This is why we can be nice without being kind, and we can be kind without being nice.
When Being Nice Actually Isn't Kind
Let me share some examples where you might see yourself:
Scenario 1: The Colleague Who Keeps Missing Deadlines
The Nice Response: You cover for them, don't say anything to management, and maybe even do some of their work. You're being pleasant and avoiding conflict.
But is it kind? Not really. You're enabling behavior that's ultimately going to harm that colleague's ability to grow, harm your team's success, and probably your own well-being too.
The Kind Response: Having an honest, direct, and probably uncomfortable conversation about the impact of that person's behavior.
Scenario 2: The Inappropriate Joke at Dinner
The Nice Response: You laugh nervously, change the subject, or sit in uncomfortable silence. You keep being pleasant and avoid confrontation.
The Kind Response: Speaking up. It might not feel nice in the moment, but it's kinder to everyone involved, including the person making the joke. It gives them an opportunity to reflect and grow.
You could say something like: "I just didn't really feel comfortable with that joke. Did you mean for it to sound that way?"
Scenario 3: The Friend in Bad Relationships
The Nice Response: Keep listening sympathetically and saying supportive things, even when they never take your advice and you're having the same conversation repeatedly.
The Kind Response: "I care too much about you to see you continually hurt yourself this way. I'm here when you're ready to do something different, but I just can't continue to have the same conversation over and over. I love you."
Notice in each scenario, the kind responses required courage, boundaries, and sometimes short-term discomfort for long-term benefit.
Real Scripts for Kind Conversations
Here are some examples you can adapt:
With Your Teenager Who Keeps Missing Curfew
❌ Nice response: "Oh, honey, I was so worried. Are you okay? Maybe next time just text me."
✅ Kind response: "I'm so relieved you're home safe, and I'm concerned about this pattern that I'm seeing. This is the third time you've missed curfew this month. Could you help me understand what's happening? Because this current arrangement just isn't working for either of us."
With a Partner Who's Been Critical
❌ Nice response: Just try to be extra pleasant to compensate.
✅ Kind response: "I've noticed something that I would like to talk to you about. Over the past few weeks, our conversations have felt more tense. I find myself walking on eggshells, and I don't think it's healthy for either one of us. I'm wondering if there's something going on that we could and should address together. Would that be okay?"
With a Colleague Who Misses Deadlines
❌ Nice response: "Hey, no big deal, maybe next time you can try to get them in a little earlier."
✅ Kind response: "I really want to talk to you about project timelines. When reports come in late, it creates this domino effect that actually is impacting our whole team's ability to meet our deadlines. What kind of support do you need so we can get back on track? How can I support you?"
With a Friend Who Always Cancels Last Minute
❌ Nice response: "Oh, it's no problem. We can reschedule anytime."
✅ Kind response: "I care about our friendship, and I've got to be honest with you. This is the fourth time that you've canceled last minute, and it's starting to affect how I plan my time. Can we talk about what's going on here?"
The Pattern in These Scripts
Notice that they all:
Start with care - how much you care about that person
State an observation - not being critical or judgmental, just observing
Invite collaboration - rather than just complaining or blaming
The Science Behind Why Kindness Feels Better
Research actually shows that when we act with genuine kindness, our brains release oxytocin which is the love hormone. This hormone actually dampens the activity in our amygdala, the region of your brain that's associated with fear and anxiety.
So kindness literally makes us less afraid. It calms us down.
Kindness can also release:
Serotonin and dopamine, which boosts our mood and creates a natural reward cycle
Endorphins, which can give us something like a helper's high
While niceness might feel safer in the moment, kindness is actually better for our mental health and well-being, and it creates deeper, more authentic connections.
The Cost of Chronic Niceness
When we consistently choose niceness over kindness, we pay a price:
We enable harmful behaviors in others
We build superficial rather than genuine relationships
We suppress our authentic selves and our values
We create resentment when our niceness isn't appreciated
We miss opportunities to truly help the people we care about
If you are a people pleaser, I see you. I have had this tendency for most of my life. But it's exhausting, isn't it? We try so hard to manage everyone else's emotions and actions, and we can be so focused on being nice that we've lost touch with what genuine care actually looks like.
What True Kindness Looks Like
Genuine care has three elements:
1. Awareness and Empathy
Kind people pay attention. They try to understand what somebody actually needs, not just what would be pleasant to hear or receive.
2. Courage
Kind people are willing to be uncomfortable, which requires courage. We have to have courage to have that difficult conversation, to set boundaries, or to act even when it's inconvenient.
3. Genuine Care
Kind people are motivated by the other person's well-being, not by our own self-image or comfort.
This means that sometimes kindness looks gentle and supportive, and sometimes it looks firm and challenging. Sometimes it's bringing soup to a sick neighbor, and sometimes it's refusing to enable someone's destructive behavior.
How to Shift from Nice to Kind
Ask Better Questions
Instead of asking "What's the polite thing to do?" ask "What does this person actually need?"
Instead of asking "How can I avoid conflict?" ask "What would be most helpful here?"
One of my favorite questions is: "What does love look like right now?"
Practice Honest Communication
This doesn't mean being brutal or insensitive. It means being truthful in a way that serves the other person's growth and well-being.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Kindness isn't limitless accommodation. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to say no or to establish clear limits. A kind boundary actually shows kindness to you and the other person - they are put in place for both people so that your relationship can be healthy.
Accept Discomfort
When we can get comfortable with the fact that kind acts don't always feel good in the moment and aren't always appreciated immediately, the better we are able to step into that courage.
Focus on Long-Term Impact
Ask yourself: "What serves this person's highest good over time?" rather than "What makes them happy right now?"
The Ripple Effect of Choosing Kindness
When we choose kindness over niceness, we create a ripple effect:
We model authentic care for others
We give people permission to be real rather than just pleasant
We build trust and deeper connections
Here's something beautiful: You can often be both kind and nice. You can speak hard, difficult truth with gentleness. You can set a boundary with kindness and compassion. You can challenge someone while still being warm and respectful.
The goal isn't to become harsh or uncaring. It's to become more genuinely caring - caring enough to do what actually helps rather than just feels safe.
Your Challenge This Week
I want to challenge you to notice the difference between being nice and kind in your own relationships this week. Pay attention to those moments when you're tempted to choose the pleasant option - the path of least resistance - over the helpful one.
Maybe it's:
Giving honest feedback instead of just saying "good job"
Telling a friend you can't cover for them again instead of grumbling about it later
Speaking up when somebody says something harmful instead of just letting it slide
Start small. Practice kindness in low-stakes situations so you can build that muscle for when it really matters.
Each time I've leaned into the kind response instead of the nice response, I have grown. And my ability to do it the next time improves. That muscle is growing and growing. Am I perfect at it? No, but I've come so far and I can see the difference in my life and it feels so much better.
The Bottom Line
The difference between nice and kind isn't just semantic, it's transformational.
When we understand that true kindness sometimes requires us to be uncomfortable, to speak truth, to set boundaries, and to act from genuine care rather than social conditioning, we become capable of having real impact on the people around us.
The world doesn't need more pleasant people. It needs more genuinely caring people - people who are willing to show up authentically, to have hard conversations, and to choose love over likability.
Here's the question I invite you to sit with: In your most important relationships, are you choosing to be nice or are you choosing to be kind? And what might change if you leaned more toward the latter?
Remember, it's not about being perfect. None of us will be totally perfect at this, but we can be more intentional.
This post is based on Episode 163 of the Seasons of Joy podcast. Listen to the full episode for more insights on transforming your relationships through authentic kindness.
Keywords: nice vs kind, people pleasing, setting boundaries, authentic relationships, conflict resolution, communication skills, emotional intelligence, personal growth, relationship advice, kindness vs niceness
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About the Author: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including transforming conflict into an adventure. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
