Episode 179 - The Best Holiday Gift
Connection Over Control: Your Guide to Peaceful Holiday Gatherings
Are You Preparing for Holiday Battle Instead of Holiday Joy?
Have you ever woken up early on Thanksgiving morning to begin getting things ready, but you're not excited—you're anxious? You've got the turkey schedule mapped out by the hour. You've thought through conversation topics that are "safe." Maybe you've even mentally rehearsed how you'll redirect if anyone brings up certain subjects.
This isn't preparing a meal—it's preparing for battle.
Maybe by 2 PM, you're exhausted. By 4 PM, someone said the exact thing you were trying to prevent. By 6 PM, you're hiding in the kitchen, feeling resentful and disconnected, surrounded by people you love but feeling completely alone.
If you're reading this with that knot in your stomach, already bracing for the critical comment, the political debate, or the passive-aggressive dig, you're not alone. And there's a better way.
The Real Problem: We're Trying to Control What We Can't
Here's what I've learned both in my own life and working with women: The exhaustion you feel during the holidays isn't from cooking or hosting. It's from trying to control outcomes you were never meant to control.
We've been taught that love means fixing people. That being a good mother, daughter, sister, or friend means smoothing over the rough edges, preventing conflict, and making everything work out right. We've been carrying this burden for so long that we don't even realize how heavy it is anymore.
What do we actually long for underneath all that control? Real connection. Being truly seen. Belonging without performing. But here's the paradox: the more we try to control, the less connected we become.
The Solution: Choose Connection Over Control
The best gift you can give this holiday season isn't the perfect meal or finally getting your adult children to behave the way you think they should. The gift is connection, not control.
Today, I want to share four simple practices that can transform your holiday gatherings from something you endure into opportunities for genuine connection.
The 4 A's of Holiday Connection
1. ASKING — Lead with Curiosity Instead of Lectures
The old way that doesn't work:
In the past, I really struggled with some of my kids' life choices and it would often include a lecture of some kind with the underlying belief it was my job to help them course correct. Now, I'm not saying we never share our perspective, but when we go in with the energy that it's our job to change them, it isn't going to go very well.
A conversation that changed everything:
A few months ago, I had an experience that really hit home for me about the power of curiosity in my relationships with my adult children. We were driving in the car and talking about their spiritual journey. In times past, this topic scared me. I had a lot of fear around this.
In the moment, this child was sharing where they are spiritually and I could feel myself move towards curiosity instead of fear and heard myself ask, "Tell me more." We had a beautifully honest conversation. I could feel that the child's body relaxed as they shared their thoughts.
Does this mean there isn't ever fear or sadness that comes up for me about this topic? No. It comes to visit sometimes. Yet, more and more often curiosity is where I lean and the connection comes.
In this example, I was really able to hear them in a way I never could have if I'd gone in with my previous agenda. My curiosity was genuine, not disguised judgment, and it opened a door I didn't even know was there.
Why curiosity transforms relationships:
Curiosity is an act of generosity. When you say "Tell me more about that" instead of "You're wrong," you're giving someone the gift of being truly heard. You're saying, "Your perspective and experience matters to me more than being right."
Now, I'm not talking about fake curiosity. You know what I mean. When you ask a question but you're really just waiting for your turn to correct them. I'm talking about genuine openness to understanding someone's perspective, even if you never agree with it.
Try this at your next gathering:
This holiday season, when your son announces he's changing majors again, or your sister shares a political view that makes your eye twitch, or your daughter-in-law is critical of something for the hundredth time, pause. Take a breath. And try: "That's interesting. What led you to see it that way?"
You might be surprised what you learn. And even if you're not surprised, even if they say exactly what you expected, you've done something powerful: you've chosen connection over being right.
The vulnerability required for real curiosity is enormous. Because when you genuinely ask, you might hear something that challenges you, something that requires you to expand your understanding. But that's where real relationship happens, in that space of mutual discovery.
2. ADAPTING — Why Flexibility is Your Secret Superpower
The danger of rigid expectations:
Maybe you planned a beautiful, meaningful Christmas. You had this vision of everyone sitting around the fireplace, sharing things they are thankful for, really being present with each other.
Instead, half the family showed up late. Your young adult son spent dinner scrolling on his phone. Your husband criticized the ham. Nobody wanted to talk about gratitude. The whole evening felt like a failure.
Maybe you have this belief that, "It was supposed to be different."
Have you had an experience like this?
The breakthrough question:
If so, this is an opportunity to pause and ask ourselves this question: "What actually happened that evening?" Not what didn't happen, what did.
Maybe you remember that your grandson came and snuggled on your lap. Maybe your daughter-in-law helped with dishes without being asked, and you had a real conversation. Maybe your husband shared a fun family Christmas memory and somehow got the whole room laughing.
Have you been so attached to your vision of how connection "should" look that you completely missed the ways it actually showed up?
What adaptation really means:
Adaptation isn't about lowering your standards or being a doormat. It's about being present to what IS rather than being imprisoned by what you thought "should" be. It's recognizing that the moment happening right now might be better than the one you planned—if you're flexible enough to receive it.
When we release our white-knuckle grip on outcomes, we create space for genuine moments to unfold. The conversation that happens naturally. The unexpected laughter. The small kindness you never would have planned out.
Some of your best memories probably weren't from perfectly executed plans. They were from the moments that went sideways and became something else entirely.
Holiday reframe:
This Thanksgiving, when the pie burns, when someone shows up with an unexpected guest, when the conversation goes in a direction you didn't plan—that's not a failure. That's life asking you to come and dance instead of lead.
Flexibility is a superpower because it allows you to stay present instead of getting stuck in disappointment. And presence is where connection lives.
3. ACCEPTING — We're All Messy Humans Doing Our Best
The exhaustion of performing perfection:
Do you feel like it's your job to be all put-together? The one who has it all figured out. The one who can hold space for everyone else's mess while hiding your own?
This can be exhausting. More than that, it can be isolating. Because when you're performing perfection, nobody can really know you. And when you're expecting perfection from others, you can never really see them.
The truth about acceptance:
We are all messy humans. Every single one of us. That includes you, me, your son-in-law with the strong opinions, your daughter who makes choices you don't understand, your sister who can't help but criticize, and yes, even that person who seems to have it all together.
We're all doing our best with what we know. With the wounds we carry. With the tools we were given. With the stories we tell ourselves about how life works.
What acceptance is NOT:
Acceptance doesn't mean condoning harmful behavior
It doesn't mean staying in toxic situations
It doesn't mean allowing someone to mistreat you
Acceptance isn't the same as approval
What acceptance IS:
Acceptance means seeing people clearly—their struggles, their limitations, their edges of growth—and choosing to relate to them as they actually are, not as we wish they would be.
From my own messy journey:
I think about my own journey. For twenty-eight years, I was a stay-at-home mom. Then I went through what I call my midlife awakening which is a generous term for what was actually a pretty messy unraveling. I made mistakes. I hurt people I love. I had to rebuild parts of myself where I felt broken.
And the people who loved me best during that time? They weren't the ones trying to fix me or return me to who I used to be. They were the ones who could hold space for my mess while I figured things out.
The gift of acceptance:
That's the gift of acceptance. When you can say, "You're struggling, and I still see you. You made a choice I wouldn't make, and you're still worthy of love. You're not who I expected you to be, and that's okay"—that's when real intimacy becomes possible.
Your holiday practice:
This holiday season, when your adult child shows up having made a choice you don't agree with, when your spouse seems insensitive, when your sibling falls back into old patterns, can you practice acceptance?
Not agreement. Not enabling. Just the simple recognition that they, like you, are a messy human trying to find their way.
This is grace. It is unearned, unmerited love. That's what acceptance is. It's extending to others the same grace we all desperately need.
4. ASSUMING the Best — What If Everyone Is Genuinely Trying?
The question that changes everything:
Think about this question for a second: What if everyone at the table is genuinely trying?
Not trying to hurt you. Not trying to be difficult. Just trying to connect, to be loved, to feel safe, to protect themselves, to do what they think is right.
Reframe common holiday challenges:
What if your mother's criticism is actually her awkward attempt to stay relevant in your life?
What if your spouse's silence isn't rejection but his learned way of avoiding conflict?
What if your adult child's distance is their clumsy way of establishing independence, not a rejection of you?
I'm not saying this to excuse hurtful behavior. Some things genuinely are hurtful and need to be addressed. But before we get to addressing it, we have to check our assumptions.
Why assumptions matter:
Because our assumptions create self-fulfilling prophecies. If you walk into Thanksgiving dinner assuming your sister is out to criticize you, you'll interpret everything through that lens. You'll hear an attack in a neutral comment. You'll brace instead of connect.
And ironically, your defensiveness might actually activate the very behavior you were trying to avoid.
A real transformation:
But what if you tried a different assumption?
I remember a holiday gathering where someone in my family was talking about their new religious path. In the past, I would have heard it as an attack on my religious path, felt defensive, and shut down. But that year, I tried something different. I assumed they were trying to open up, not hurt. That they were sharing perspective, not criticism. That they were trying to connect.
So instead of getting defensive, I asked them to tell me more about their experience.
And something shifted. They softened. We had an actual conversation instead of a dance of tension. It wasn't perfect, but it was real.
The balance:
Assuming the best doesn't mean being naive. It doesn't mean ignoring patterns or allowing yourself to be mistreated. It means choosing to lead with trust until you have clear evidence otherwise. It means giving people the benefit of the doubt you'd want them to give you.
When you mess up, when you say something awkward or handle a situation poorly, don't you want people to assume you were trying your best? That you meant well even if the execution was off?
The gift we can give:
That's the gift we can give others. The assumption that beneath the clumsy words, the bad timing, the imperfect delivery, there's a human being trying to navigate the same complicated things we all are.
This one shift—assuming everyone is trying—can transform an entire gathering. It can melt your defensiveness. It can create openness where there was once a wall. It doesn't guarantee everything will go smoothly, but it gives connection a fighting chance.
The Truth About How Connection Actually Happens
Connection doesn't happen in one perfect conversation over pie.
I think that's what we're all secretly hoping for. That one magical moment where everything clicks, everyone understands each other, all the old hurts melt away, and we finally get the Hallmark movie ending.
But that's not how connection actually works.
Real connection is built through small, consistent moments:
Real connection is built through small, consistent moments of trust and kindness. It's the accumulation of tiny choices made over time.
It's the patient response when you'd rather snap back. It's the gentle question when you'd rather lecture. It's choosing to listen when you'd rather correct. It's texting to check in. It's letting something go. It's showing up even when it's awkward.
A personal example:
Over the last few years, I have watched the relationships with my adult children shift and grow in such a beautiful way. It has been a journey and it hasn't happened overnight. It has happened in a hundred small moments. A text here. A joke there. A little longer conversation. A vulnerability shared. A request honored.
I just keep showing up trying. Trying to ask more questions without an agenda. I do bite my tongue a lot and I have adapted my expectations. I have accepted their pace, not mine. I assume they are doing their best, even when I don't understand their choices.
That's how connection happens. Not dramatically, but incrementally.
And that's actually good news. Because it means you don't have to have everything figured out. You don't need the perfect words. You don't have to fix everything this Thanksgiving.
You just need to show up and make one small choice toward connection instead of control. And then another. And another.
The compound effect of those small acts of trust and kindness? That's what transforms relationships. Not grand gestures. Not perfect moments. Just consistency in choosing connection over control, again and again.
Your Practical Action Plan for Peaceful Holidays
Before each gathering:
Set an intention. Not a goal for how others should behave, but an intention for who you want to be. Something simple like: "I'm here to connect, not control."
During the gathering:
Pick ONE person you'll practice curiosity with. Just one. Not the whole family. Maybe it's your mother-in-law, maybe it's your nephew, maybe it's your own child. With that one person, commit to asking more and fixing less.
Notice when you're trying to manage someone else's experience. It might be subtle—redirecting a conversation, jumping in to smooth things over, monitoring someone's mood. Just notice it. You don't have to stop yourself every time. Just build awareness.
When anxiety spikes:
Have a grounding practice ready. When you feel yourself slipping into control mode or when anxiety spikes, what will bring you back to yourself?
Step outside for two minutes
Say a quick prayer
Take three deep breaths
Text a supportive friend
Know your tool before you need it.
After the gathering:
Resist the urge to replay everything that went wrong. Instead, look for three moments of connection, even tiny ones. Train your brain to see what went right, not just what didn't.
What You Need to Let Go Of
Giving up control means mourning the fantasy:
The fantasy of the perfect family
The fantasy that if you just say the right thing, everyone will finally understand
The fantasy that this year will be different because you've finally figured out how to make it work
Letting go of control means accepting that:
You can't prevent every uncomfortable moment
You can't manage everyone's emotions
You can't make your adult children make the choices you think they should make
You can't fix your parents or change your siblings or force deep connection where people aren't ready
And that grief is real. There's a letting go that has to happen, and letting go always involves loss.
What You Gain When You Choose Connection
But you will gain peace. Your own peace. Your own presence. The freedom to show up as yourself instead of as the director, producer, and stage manager of everyone else's experience.
You can't control how others respond. Your curiosity might be met with defensiveness. Your flexibility might be taken advantage of. Your acceptance might not be reciprocated. Your best assumptions might be proven wrong.
But you can control your own presence. You can decide what kind of person you want to be in the room. You can choose connection over control, even if you're the only one making that choice.
And sometimes—not always, but sometimes—your willingness to connect shifts the entire dynamic. Your question opens someone up. Your flexibility creates breathing room. Your acceptance gives someone permission to be real. Your good assumption breaks a pattern.
But even if it doesn't change anyone else, it changes you. And that matters.
Your Different Holiday Experience Starts Now
The holidays won't be perfect. But they don't have to be. Because underneath the imperfect conversations and the burnt rolls and the family dynamics that haven't magically resolved themselves, there's an opportunity.
A chance to practice showing up as your most connected, least controlling self.
A chance to:
Ask instead of assume
Adapt instead of rigidly hold on
Accept instead of demand
Assume the best instead of brace for the worst
That's the gift that keeps on giving, long after the decorations come down.
Not control. Connection.
Questions for Reflection
Which of the 4 A's feels most challenging for you this holiday season?
What would it look like to choose connection over control at your next family gathering?
What's one small step you can take toward more meaningful holiday connections?
Need More Support Navigating Holiday Family Dynamics?
If you're a midlife woman navigating challenging family relationships and holiday stress, you're not alone. For more practical wisdom on finding joy during life transitions and building stronger connections with your adult children, listen to the Seasons of Joy Podcast or reach out for coaching support at SeasonsCoaching.com.
Remember: Connection doesn't happen overnight. It's created through small, consistent moments of trust and kindness.
Share this post with someone who needs to hear this message before the holidays.
Meta Description: Learn how to transform stressful holiday gatherings into meaningful connections. Discover 4 powerful strategies to choose connection over control this Thanksgiving and Christmas season.
Target Keywords: holiday family stress, peaceful holiday gatherings, family connection tips, managing holiday anxiety, Thanksgiving family dynamics, holiday relationship advice
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About the Host: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including how to transform conflict into connection. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
