Episode 191 - The 3 C’s of Well-Being: Context, Choice & Connection
Understanding Nervous System Regulation for Midlife Women
If you've been struggling with anxiety, reactivity, or feeling stuck in your relationships, here's something that might shift everything: it's not a character flaw. It's your nervous system trying to protect you.
After completing deep work in nervous system regulation and resilience, I've discovered that so much of what midlife women struggle with—the worry about adult children, the tension in conversations, the 2 AM racing thoughts—comes down to three foundational needs our nervous system has in order to feel safe enough to actually live the life we want, not just survive it.
These three concepts—Context, Choice, and Connection—aren't just nice ideas. They're actionable, livable principles that apply to your relationship with your adult kids, your spouse, the hard conversations at work, and the way you talk to yourself when you can't sleep.
The First C: Context - Your Nervous System Needs to Understand
Why Context Matters for Emotional Safety
When we think about well-being, context isn't usually the first thing that comes to mind. But here's what I've learned: your nervous system is constantly scanning for danger and safety, asking "Do I understand what's happening here? Does this make sense? Am I oriented?"
When we lack context—when things feel confusing, unpredictable, or like we don't have the full picture—our nervous system reads that as a threat.
Think about walking into a room where everyone suddenly goes quiet. You don't know what they were discussing or if it involves you. What happens in your body? Your stomach tightens. Your mind races. That's your nervous system responding to a lack of context.
Context and Relationships with Adult Children
This is especially relevant for women in midlife navigating changed relationships. When your adult child makes a choice you don't understand—maybe they've stepped away from your faith, entered a relationship that confuses you, or suddenly gone distant—your nervous system floods with confusion.
You don't have the context. You don't understand the why. And that lack of understanding doesn't just make you sad—it makes your body feel unsafe.
Practical Strategies for Creating Context
The work of context isn't about controlling the situation. It's about giving your nervous system enough information to settle down.
1. Get Curious Instead of Certain
When we don't understand something, our brain fills in the blanks with worst-case scenarios. Instead, practice saying: "I don't have the full picture yet, and that's okay. I can hold space for not knowing." That alone sends a signal of safety to your nervous system.
2. Seek Understanding, Not Agreement
Context doesn't mean you have to agree with what's happening. You can say to your child, "Help me understand what this means to you." You're not endorsing their choice—you're creating context, which helps both your nervous system and theirs feel safer.
3. Give Yourself Context About Your Own Reactions
When you feel that flood of emotion—fear, grief, anger—pause and say, "Oh, this is my nervous system responding to the unknown. This makes sense. I'm not broken, I'm human." Providing context to yourself is one of the most regulating things you can do.
The Second C: Choice - Reclaiming Your Agency
The Biology of Feeling Trapped
For many women who have spent decades prioritizing everyone else's needs, this concept hits closest to home. Here's the principle: when we feel trapped without choice, our nervous system senses danger and triggers a survival response.
When you believe you have no choice, your body interprets that as a threat. It's not dramatic or weak. It's biology.
Think about an animal caught in a trap. It fights, freezes, or collapses. Our nervous systems work the same way. When we believe we're stuck in a marriage dynamic, a pattern with our kids, or a way of being that doesn't fit anymore, our body goes into survival mode.
The Truth About Choice and Agency
Here's the beautiful thing: you almost always have more choice than you think you do.
The problem isn't usually that there's no choice. The problem is we've stopped seeing the choices available to us. Sometimes the choices aren't the ones we want. I'm not pretending the options are always easy. But the shift from "I have no choice" to "I have choices, and some of them are hard" is a completely different experience for your nervous system.
One feels like a trap. The other feels like agency.
My Personal Journey with Choice
When my children made choices about their faith that differed from mine, there was a season where I felt trapped in grief. Like there was nothing I could do. My body reflected that. I was either in fight mode trying to fix everything or in freeze mode, feeling numb and hopeless.
But the turning point came when I began to see that I did have choices—not about their decisions, but about mine:
I could choose how I showed up
I could choose to love without conditions
I could choose curiosity over control
I could choose to grieve and still find joy
Those choices didn't change their paths, but they changed my nervous system's experience entirely.
The "I Have To" vs. "I Choose To" Practice
Here's a powerful practice for reclaiming choice: When you notice yourself saying "I have to"—I have to go to that dinner, I have to respond right now, I have to keep the peace—try replacing it with "I'm choosing to."
"I'm choosing to go to that dinner because my relationship with this person matters to me."
Can you feel the difference? Same action, completely different nervous system response. "I have to" activates that trap feeling. "I choose to" activates agency.
This is the difference between allowing and forcing. When we force, we're operating from that trapped place. When we allow, we're operating from choice.
The Third C: Connection - A Biological Need, Not a Luxury
Why Connection Is Essential for Nervous System Regulation
We are wired for connection. It's not just nice to have—connection is a biological need.When our nervous system feels connected, truly connected, it can relax, regulate, and open up to growth, creativity, love, and joy.
But connection isn't just about other people. It's wider and richer than that. I believe we need connection in four areas to truly thrive, and when any is missing, our well-being suffers.
The Four Types of Connection for Wellbeing
1. Connection to Ourselves
I put this first because this is where so many of us have the biggest gap. For years, decades for many, we've been so outward-focused that we've lost connection with our own inner world. We don't know what we feel, what we need, or what we want.
Reconnecting to yourself means:
Learning to listen to your body again
Honoring your emotions instead of stuffing them down
Treating yourself with curiosity, compassion, and kindness
Asking "What do I need right now?" and actually waiting for the answer
This is the foundation. If you're disconnected from yourself, every other connection you try to build will be on shaky ground.
2. Connection to Others
I don't just mean being around people. I mean real, authentic, safe connection. The kind where you can be honest, where you can be yourself without performing or pretending.
Our nervous system can tell the difference between surface-level interaction and genuine connection. You can be in a room full of people and feel completely alone. Or you can have one conversation with someone who truly sees you and feel your whole body relax.
This is the I-Thou relationship—when we relate to someone as a full human being, not as a project to fix or a role to fill. That's the kind of connection that regulates the nervous system.
And yes, this applies to hard relationships too. You can hold a boundary and stay connected. You can disagree and still relate to someone as a whole person.
3. Connection to Nature and the World Around Us
There's something about being outside—feet on the earth, wind on your face, looking at mountains—that recalibrates something deep inside. It's not just relaxation. It's a remembering. A remembering that you're part of something bigger, that the world keeps turning, the seasons keep changing, and you are being held.
When I'm backpacking, there's usually a point on day two where something shifts. The noise in my head quiets. My body settles into a rhythm. I stop trying to figure everything out and just am. That's nervous system regulation happening in real time through connection to the natural world.
You don't have to backpack to experience this:
10 minutes sitting outside with your morning drink
Noticing how the light changes at dusk
Putting your hands in garden soil
Your nervous system responds to the natural world because we belong to it.
4. Connection to God (or Spirituality)
For me, connection to God is the ground beneath all the other connections. When I feel disconnected from Him, everything else feels more precarious, more effortful, more frightening. But when I'm anchored in that relationship, when I remember that I am seen, known, and loved by my Creator, my nervous system has a home base to return to.
This is where grace comes alive for me. In Greek, the word for joy is rooted in the same word as grace. Joy and grace are intertwined. When I'm connected to God, I have access to a kind of joy that isn't dependent on my circumstances.
My kids don't have to make the choices I want. My life doesn't have to look the way I planned. I can still experience deep, abiding joy because it's rooted in something that doesn't change.
Connection to God also gives me the courage to allow rather than force. When I trust that He is at work—even in the mess, even in the waiting, even in the grief—I can open my hands instead of clenching my fists. That's a regulated nervous system responding to a secure spiritual attachment.
How the Three Cs Work Together for Wellbeing
Context, choice, and connection aren't separate concepts. They work together to create the conditions your nervous system needs to feel safe enough for you to actually live well.
Context helps you orient: When you understand what's happening (even if you don't like it), your nervous system can settle
Choice helps you find agency: When you recognize your choices (even in difficult circumstances), your nervous system relaxes out of survival mode
Connection provides anchor: When you're connected to yourself, others, nature, and God, your nervous system has the relational foundation it was designed for
These three reinforce each other:
Context helps you connect more authentically because you're not projecting worst-case stories onto people
Choice helps you stay in connection even when it's hard because you're there by intention, not obligation
Connection gives you the safety to seek context and make brave choices
Questions for Reflection and Personal Growth
This week, sit with these questions. You don't have to answer them right now. Just let them percolate.
On Context: Where in your life are you filling in the blanks with worst-case scenarios? What would it look like to get curious instead of certain?
On Choice: Where are you saying "I have to" when you could say "I'm choosing to"? Are there choices you've been afraid to make that might actually set your nervous system free?
On Connection: Which of the four areas of connection feels most depleted right now—self, others, nature, or God? What's one small step you could take this week to nourish that connection?
The Path to Joy Through Nervous System Wellbeing
The work I'm most passionate about is helping women understand that the path to joy isn't about getting everything right. It's about creating the conditions where your whole self—body, mind, and spirit—can settle enough to actually receive the goodness that's already there.
Your nervous system is not your enemy. It's your partner. And when you give it what it needs—context, choice, and connection—it will let you live with more openness, more peace, and more joy.
Remember: Joy isn't about getting life perfect. It's about being present to the grace that's already here.
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About the Host: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship conflict coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including how to transform conflict into connection. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
Keywords: nervous system regulation, midlife women wellbeing, anxiety relief, emotional regulation strategies, relationship with adult children, context choice connection, nervous system safety, life coaching for women, midlife transitions, allowing vs forcing
