Episode 192 - Shame vs Guilt: Why Knowing the Difference is Important
Shame Masquerades as Accountability — Here's How to Tell the Difference
If you've ever found yourself spiraling in "I'm such a terrible mother" or "I'm the worst at this," you might think you're holding yourself accountable. You're not letting yourself off the hook, right? You're facing what you did.
But here's what I've learned in my own life and in my work as a life coach: shame isn't accountability. It just wears accountability's clothing.
Why Shame Can't Produce Real Accountability
True accountability requires getting out of shame first. Because when we're drowning in "I am terrible," we're too busy defending our worth to actually address the behavior.
Think about it. When shame takes over, all of your mental and emotional energy goes toward managing the pain of believing you are fundamentally flawed. There's nothing left over for the honest, forward-looking work of actually changing.
Shame masquerades as accountability but rarely produces it.
The Shift
Here's what the difference looks like in real life.
Shame sounds like: "I'm a terrible mother for how I handled that conversation."
Accountability sounds like: "I didn't handle that well, and that matters to me because I love her. What can I do differently?"
Read those again slowly. The first sentence collapses the behavior into your identity. It says you are the problem. The second sentence names the behavior, connects it to your values, and immediately moves toward repair.
That second sentence is motivated. It's connected. It's moving forward rather than hiding in collapse.
That's the sentence that actually changes things.
When Shame Short-Circuits Growth
This is why I teach what I call the Progress Formula:
Progress = Self-Awareness + Self-Acceptance + Self-Compassion + Self-Trust
Shame short-circuits every single one of those variables.
You can't develop honest self-awareness when you're in survival mode. You can't practice self-acceptance when you're convinced you're fundamentally broken. Self-compassion is nearly impossible when the inner critic is running the show. And self-trust? Shame erodes that completely.
Real growth requires enough emotional safety to look clearly at yourself. Not to excuse the behavior. Not to bypass the hard stuff. But to examine it from a place of "I am worthy of doing better" rather than "I am irreparably bad."
What to Do Instead
Next time you notice the spiral starting, try these steps:
Pause and name it. Ask yourself: is this guilt, or is this shame? Guilt says "I did something I regret." Shame says "I am someone who should be regretted." The distinction matters.
Regulate your nervous system first. Shame activates your body's threat response. You cannot think clearly from inside a shame spiral. Take a breath, put your feet on the floor, step outside. Come back to your body before you try to process the story.
Ask the repair question. Once you're a little more settled, ask: What did I do, and what would I do differently? That question belongs to guilt — healthy, motivating, forward-moving guilt. It's the question that leads to real change.
A Final Thought
If you've spent years beating yourself up and wondering why you're not growing the way you want to this might be why. Shame feels like it's doing something productive. It rarely is.
You don't need to be harder on yourself. You need to be clearer with yourself. And that clarity only comes when shame gets out of the way.
Want to go deeper on this topic? Listen to the full episode of Seasons of Joy: "Shame vs. Guilt — Why the Difference Changes Everything" wherever you listen to podcasts.
And if this resonated with you, I'd love to hear about it. Please reach out on Instagram or send me a message. You are not your worst moments.
Listen to the Full Episode:
[Listen on Apple Podcasts] [Listen on Spotify] [Watch on YouTube]
Want More Clarity?
Are you ready to take it to a deeper level? Jill would love to be your coach!
If you want more guidance on transforming conflict into connection, I invite you to check out my free Conflict to Connection 30-Day Challenge. This email series will walk you through practical tools and mindset shifts to help you navigate difficult relationships with more peace and confidence.
Visit seasons-coaching.com to learn more about working with me, or connect with me on Instagram @seasons_coaching.
Click HERE to learn about all the ways you can work together!
Click HERE to schedule a FREE Clarity Conversation with Jill.
Click HERE to check out her FREEBIES!
To contact Jill about speaking to your group or business, email her at jill@seasons-coaching.com.
Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast and rate and leave a review! Help spread these tools!
About the Host: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship conflict coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including how to transform conflict into connection. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
Keywords: nervous system regulation, midlife women wellbeing, anxiety relief, emotional regulation strategies, relationship with adult children, context choice connection, nervous system safety, life coaching for women, midlife transitions, allowing vs forcing
