Episode 189 - Allowing vs. Forcing Part 2: How to Actually Do It
Moving from Control to Connection
Last week we explored why we force—the anxiety, family patterns, and cultural messages that make forcing feel like love and responsibility. We also discussed the grief that comes when we stop forcing and start allowing. If you haven't read Part 1 yet, start there for the foundation.
Today, we're diving into the practical how-to. You might be wondering: What do I actually do when my loved one calls? When someone's making a choice I don't like? When my friend is stuck?
Here's what we're covering:
Your "But What About" questions answered
A nervous system practice for in-the-moment use
What allowing actually sounds like (with real examples)
The framework that makes it all possible
Let's dive in.
Your "But What About" Questions Answered
The idea of allowing sounds nice—maybe it even makes sense when the situation is simple. But what about when it's actually serious? Let's address the big concerns.
"What if they're making a dangerous choice?"
Allowing is not the same as silence. You can and should speak truth. Tell your loved one: "I'm worried about you. Here's what I'm seeing. I love you so much and I don't want to watch you hurt yourself."
What you're allowing is their response, their timeline, their journey to their own realization.
The difference between speaking honestly and forcing isn't what you say—it's what you do after. Speaking honestly says it once and releases it. Forcing says it 17 times, trying to control the outcome.
In the Bible, Jesus teaches the parable of the prodigal son. The father let his son go. He didn't chase him. He didn't send 17 letters. He didn't cut him off. He allowed the journey while staying in a posture of love. The father created space for genuine return.
Learn more about allowing vs forcing. This is part 2 on how to actually do it.
"What if they don't have capacity?"
This is important. If someone truly lacks capacity—a young child, someone with dementia, someone in crisis—then stepping in isn't forcing, it's stewarding.
Ask yourself these questions:
Am I responding to their actual capacity, or am I treating them as incapable because I'm anxious?
Is my response more about me feeling better than about their capacity?
"What if my worry is keeping them safe?"
This belief is easy to fall into, but your anxiety does not have the power you think it does. Your worry about your husband's health cannot prevent a heart attack. Your repeated advice cannot prevent your daughter from making mistakes.
The question isn't: "What if something bad happens and I wasn't forcing?"
It is: "What if I spend my whole life forcing, something bad happens anyway, and I've also damaged the relationship?"
"Isn't allowing just enabling?"
No. Allowing releases control over their choices. Boundaries protect what you will and won't accept in your life.
Example: If you're having a tense conversation with a family member and they start to yell, allowing with boundaries sounds like: "I can't control how you speak, but I won't stay in a conversation when you yell. When we can calm down, I would love to talk about this."
Both allowing and boundaries are necessary. And boundaries actually get clearer when we stop forcing.
The 4-Step Nervous System Practice for When the Forcing Urge Hits
This is a nervous system problem, not a thinking problem. When someone you love is struggling, your body perceives threat and activates your fight-or-flight response. In that state, forcing feels urgent and necessary.
Just like the 6-year-old on the ski slope from Part 1, she was safe but didn't feel safe. You might know you can't control the outcome, but your nervous system thinks you're in danger.
You must regulate your nervous system so you can access your clear-thinking brain. Here's a four-step process you can use in those moments.
Step 1: Notice
Watch for these signals:
Tight chest or clenched jaw
Shallow breathing
Urgency, repetitive thoughts
The need to intervene NOW
When you notice these, pause—even just for a few seconds. Don't act from that state.
Step 2: Ask Two Questions
Put your hand on your heart and ask:
"Am I safe right now?" Look around. Make sure you're really safe. If you aren't, get out of there. Usually the answer is yes.
"Do I feel safe?" Often the answer is no—and that's okay. Just like my granddaughter who recognized she was safe but didn't feel safe.
Then name the gap: "I am safe, but I don't feel safe. My nervous system thinks there's danger, but there isn't." This messaging helps your body begin to relax.
Step 3: Relax and Regulate
Help your body catch up to reality:
Breathe: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6. That extended exhale lowers your heart rate. Do this 3-5 times.
Ground yourself: Feel your feet. Notice 5 things you can see.
Move: Walk, shake your arms, roll your shoulders.
Self-compassion: Remind yourself, "This is hard. It makes sense that I'm scared."
Step 4: Assess from a Regulated Place
Ask yourself: "What does this situation actually need from me?" Not what your anxiety wants you to do—what does love require?
Sometimes it's:
Nothing. Just presence, just being there
Speaking honestly once and then releasing it
Setting a boundary
You'll only know the difference from a regulated state.
Real Example: Applying the 4 Steps
Your daughter calls about the same relationship issue.
Notice: Your chest is tight. You feel that urgency to fix.
Ask the questions: Am I safe? Yes, I'm safe on the phone. Do I feel safe? No, I'm afraid she'll stay stuck, that she's going to ruin her life. Those spinning thoughts—of course you don't feel safe.
Relax and regulate: Take three deep breaths. "She's an adult. My anxiety isn't actually danger."
Assess: She needs listening, not fixing. I can offer perspective if she asks.
You don't have to force. You can allow the conversation to play out without controlling the outcome.
What Allowing Actually Sounds Like: 3 Real Scenarios
Allowing doesn't mean becoming silent or passive. It doesn't mean you can't share your perspective or express your feelings. The difference is in the energy behind your words and what you're trying to accomplish with them.
Scenario 1: Adult Child Who Left Your Faith
Forcing sounds like: "I sent you that article. Did you read it? I really think it would help you understand. You know, if you just came to church on Easter, I think you'd remember why it mattered. People ask about you and it would mean so much to me. I just worry where you'll find community, where you'll find truth..."
Allowing sounds like: "I want you to know that I miss sharing faith with you, and it is a loss for me. I also want you to know that I trust you on your own journey. Our relationship matters to me more than agreeing on this. I've shared my thoughts with you, and now I'm going to let it go. I love you."
Scenario 2: Husband's Health
Forcing sounds like: "You didn't go to the doctor again. You promised. Don't you know what could happen? Your dad died at 62. You're 58. I made you an appointment for Thursday and you're going. We need to talk about exercise. I found this program we could do together..."
Allowing sounds like: "When you don't take care of your health, I feel scared. I love you so much and I want you here. I've said this before and I'm not going to keep saying it, but your health impacts me and I need you to know that. I can't want your wellness more than you want it. I'm going to work on managing my own anxiety instead of trying to manage you. I love you."
Scenario 3: Friend in an Unhealthy Relationship
Forcing sounds like: "He is not going to change. This is the fifth time you've done this. You need to block his number. You need therapy. I can't keep watching you do this. It's honestly exhausting. You ask what to do, I tell you, and then you go back to him anyway. What's it going to take?"
Allowing sounds like: "I love you, and watching you hurt is really hard for me. You know I think this relationship isn't healthy, and I've said that, but I'm not going to keep saying it. I'm here when you're ready to make a change, but I need to be honest—I can't keep having the same conversation. You know what I think. So it's yours to navigate."
Do You Hear the Pattern?
Forcing: Repeats. Pressures. Has urgency and fear. Takes over their responsibility.
Allowing: Speaks honestly once. Releases the outcome. Honors their journey. Sets a boundary about what you will and won't do.
Both involve speaking. The difference is what you're trying to accomplish.
When Allowing Doesn't Require Words
Allowing doesn't always require words. Sometimes it's just internal work—relaxing, regulating yourself, releasing the outcome, and choosing not to intervene.
Your friend calls again about that same relationship issue. You listen with compassion. You don't offer advice. When you hang up, you breathe and release the need to fix it. No announcement needed.
Your spouse makes a choice about their health you disagree with. You notice that forcing urge. You regulate your nervous system. You choose to let them have their own journey. You don't say a word.
Your adult child posts something on social media that makes you anxious. You feel the urge to text them. But you pause. You relax. You regulate. You scroll past. That's allowing.
Sometimes the most powerful allowing is silence—the choice you make internally to stop trying to control without making it a conversation at all.
Ask yourself: Is this conversation important to me, or is it even necessary? Is this something that can be handled within?
Your Practice This Week
Think about one relationship where you've been in forcing mode. Write out what you've been saying and look at it. Then try writing it as if you're allowing—saying your perspective once and then releasing the outcome.
You might not use these words yet, but practicing the language starts creating new neural pathways.
The Spiritual Framework: Faith and Allowing
For those of us with faith, this isn't just psychology—it has a spiritual dimension.
Jared Halverson teaches the concept of "contraries," that spiritual tension. We're taught to be responsible, speak honestly, and care for our families. But we're also taught to trust God, to surrender, to cast our anxieties on Him. So which is it?
It's both/and. We speak honestly AND release outcomes. We act in love AND trust what we cannot control. The question isn't whether to engage—it's how to engage.
Learning from the Prodigal Son's Father
In the parable of the prodigal son, the father let his son go, yet he never forgot him. He watched the road daily, but he didn't force. That allowing created space for genuine return.
Often we focus on the prodigal son, but there's so much to learn from the father and how he demonstrates allowing.
When we force, we're essentially saying: "God, I don't trust you. My effort is more reliable than your influence and love."
When we allow, we're saying: "You love them even more than I do. I'm releasing them to you." This is recognizing that God is God and we are not.
Grace is received, not earned. You can't force grace. You can only allow it. When we force, we operate from works. When we allow, we operate from grace—trusting that what needs to happen will, not because we forced it, but because of something bigger.
Walking by Faith, Not by Sight
This is scary. Allowing requires walking by faith, not by sight. As humans, we want guarantees because that feels safer, more secure. But "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
Faith watches the prodigal son walk away. Faith allows someone you love to make choices you fear.
Allowing isn't passivity. It's active trust. It's not giving up. It's choosing a different way to engage.
What if allowing is the most faithful thing you can do? What if your grip is getting in the way of what God wants to do?
The Truth About Outcomes
That moment on the ski slope with my granddaughter is a picture of every important relationship. The outcome I wanted did happen, not because I forced it, but because I allowed space for her to regulate and find her own courage.
The same is true in our adult relationships:
The connection we long for—we cannot force it
The change we hope for—we can't control it
The healing we desperately want—we can't make it happen
Allowing doesn't guarantee the outcome we want, but forcing guarantees relational damage we don't want.
My 2026 Word: Allow
I've struggled over the last few weeks deciding what my word of the year for 2026 would be, and then it settled into my heart: Allow.
What if the life I'm reaching for is found in allowing, not forcing? What if the peace comes from releasing, not managing? What if the joy is on the other side of surrender?
Your Next Steps
Choose one relationship where you've been forcing. For the next few days:
Stop repeating that same advice you've been giving
Step back from managing their choices
When you start catastrophizing, regulate:
Am I safe?
Do I feel safe?
Relax
If you need to speak, say it once with love and then trust they heard
When tempted to force, pause—that's your invitation to pause. Put your hand on your heart and breathe. Choose presence.
Notice what happens in your body. Notice what happens in that relationship. Notice what happens to your spirit.
The Freedom of Release
Allowing often creates the opening forcing never could.
You are not responsible for controlling their journeys. You're not responsible for saving them. You are only responsible for how you show up.
Your anxiety cannot protect them. You're trusting God who loves them more than you do, who has power beyond imagination.
My wish for you is that you find:
The courage to release what you cannot control
Wisdom to speak honestly and trust
Peace in allowing instead of forcing
Allow what is.
Receive what comes.
Open your heart.
That's where the joy is.
This is Part 2 of the Allowing vs. Forcing series. If you haven't read Part 1 yet, go back to understand why we force and what it costs us. Together, these two parts provide an important framework for transforming your most important relationships.
Ready for More Support?
If you want more guidance on transforming conflict into connection, I invite you to check out my Conflict to Connection 30-Day Challenge. This email series will walk you through practical tools and mindset shifts to help you navigate difficult relationships with more peace and confidence.
You were created for this season, and your influence for good is needed now.
Until next time, may you find joy in the journey.
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About the Host: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship conflict coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including how to transform conflict into connection. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
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