Episode 160 - The Power of Your Next Conversation
Transform Difficult Discussions into Connection
Have you ever walked away from a difficult conversation feeling smaller, defeated, or like you'd completely missed the mark? You're not alone. As women of faith navigating complex relationships and challenging seasons, we often find ourselves either avoiding conflict entirely or getting caught up in trying to "win" arguments at the expense of genuine connection.
Recently, I discovered a book that's completely transformed how I think about difficult conversations: Your Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More by Jefferson Fisher. Fisher, a trial lawyer and communication expert, shares practical wisdom that can help us move from conflict to connection, one conversation at a time.
The Foundation: There Are No Good Guys or Bad Guys
Fisher opens his book with a powerful quote by Dave Mason: "There ain't no good guy, there ain't no bad guy, there's only you and me, and we just disagree."
This simple truth challenges everything our culture teaches us about conflict. We're conditioned to see disagreements as battles between right and wrong, good and evil. But this mindset creates contention rather than understanding. When we view someone as the "bad guy," we automatically position ourselves as the "good guy" and focus on winning rather than connecting.
What if disagreements were actually opportunities to learn more about each other instead of competitions to shut someone down?
The Three Essentials for Transformative Conversations
Fisher outlines three core principles that can revolutionize how we approach difficult discussions:
1. Never Win an Argument
I learned this lesson the hard way. I remember sitting in a conversation where the other person was determined to prove their point and win at all costs. As they talked over me and pushed their agenda, I felt myself shrinking smaller and smaller. I wanted to disappear under the table.
But here's what I realized: by shutting down, I wasn't open to learning about their perspective either. I gave away my control, my voice, and my agency because I was afraid.
The truth is, winning an argument isn't really winning at all. We might walk away with our ego intact, but we lose the things that matter most—trust, respect, and connection. All we're left with is contempt.
Think about social media battles. When you see someone putting down another group of people, even if you agree with their position, are you persuaded by their approach? Usually not. Instead, you're probably embarrassed for them.
As Fisher puts it: "The fastest way to lose your peace of mind is to give someone a piece of yours." Beating someone in an argument may feed your ego, but it leaves you hungry for real connection.
2. Focus on Your Next Conversation
When we're in conflict with someone, it's easy to get overwhelmed thinking about all the issues that need resolving. But Fisher encourages us to focus on just the next conversation—not solving everything at once.
He suggests asking yourself two crucial questions:
What is the goal for this conversation?
Which of my values do I need to meet that goal?
I experienced the power of this approach when my adult child and I had a difficult conversation. After our initial interaction went poorly, I found myself crying in my bedroom closet when they texted asking to talk again.
I didn't want to—I needed time to collect myself. But during that pause, I asked myself those two questions. My goal became seeing their pain and letting them know I loved them unconditionally, while also sharing my boundaries about how I was willing to be treated. The value I chose to lean into was love.
This intentional preparation completely changed the trajectory of our next conversation. I left feeling hopeful and connected, knowing I'd shown up aligned with my values and had truly seen my child's hurt beneath their behavior.
3. Understand the Truth About Connection
Fisher defines connection as having both understanding and acknowledgment of each other. We need both components to create genuine connection.
If your spouse understands what you're saying but doesn't show it, you won't feel connected. If they acknowledge what you're telling them but don't truly understand it, connection still won't happen. Understanding happens inside us; acknowledging happens outside us. Both are required.
Here's the crucial insight: You can acknowledge and understand someone without agreeing with them. You may still feel hurt by what they say or do. You don't have to like their words or actions, but you can learn to understand them.
This creates space for disagreement and differing opinions while maintaining connection. Connection doesn't only come when everything is going smoothly—it can be created in difficult times too.
That said, Fisher makes an important point: sometimes connection isn't the answer. Sometimes disconnection is wise. Not every conversation needs connection, and some people simply don't want to be reached. That doesn't make you a failure—it often makes you wise.
Building Confidence for Difficult Conversations
To create connection through difficult conversations, Fisher identifies three essential qualities we need to develop:
Self-Awareness
We need to pay attention to how we're feeling in the present moment and why. When we do this, we can choose our actions intentionally rather than reacting from emotion. In my first example, I lacked self-awareness—I pushed down my feelings and shrank as a result. This cut off any possibility of connection.
Understanding
When we believe everyone should think like we do, we forget that different opinions and perspectives are not only okay—they're valuable. Just because someone believes differently doesn't make them less of a person. When we seek to understand, our ability to appreciate another person's perspective increases, strengthening our relationship with them.
Self-Assurance
When we hide from difficult conversations, we prevent ourselves from growing. When we don't believe in ourselves, we show up small in all areas of life. Honest communication requires confidence—the kind that asserts your needs, ensures your voice is heard, respects your boundaries, and makes you your own best advocate.
Confidence means having conversations when we're scared. It means embracing the possibility that we might be wrong and admitting it. It means embracing the messiness and mistakes that come with learning honest communication.
Ten Transformative Takeaways
Here are 10 key insights that have changed how I approach difficult conversations:
It's not about winning or losing—it's about seeking to understand and acknowledge another person's perspective, whether I agree or not.
Focus on the person's humanity—I can focus on the divinity, humanity, and pain of another person to better understand their perspective.
Take it one conversation at a time—I don't have to solve every problem at once. I just need to focus on the next conversation.
Connection requires both elements—acknowledging and understanding are both necessary for genuine connection.
Sometimes disconnection is wise—connection isn't always the answer, and that's okay.
Self-awareness is crucial—I need to be aware of how I feel and why, then choose my actions purposefully.
Don't shrink—being small in difficult conversations prevents growth and connection.
Embrace imperfection—confidence means showing up scared and being okay with being wrong.
Honesty is kindness—honest communication is one of the kindest things we can do for each other.
Conversations are opportunities—they're chances to learn, not battles to win, and they make life richer and deeper.
We all have difficult people in our lives. We all need to have more difficult conversations. But what if your next conversation could be the beginning of something beautiful? What if you have the ability to grow in ways you never have before and transform how you interact with others?
By changing yourself—how you show up, how you listen, how you respond—what effect and influence could you have in the world around you?
The power truly is in your next conversation. Choose one thing you can shift going into that conversation and see what happens. You might be surprised by the connection that's possible when we approach conflict with curiosity instead of a need to win.
What difficult conversation have you been avoiding? How might approaching it with these principles change the outcome? Remember, it's not about perfection—it's about showing up with intention, courage, and an open heart.
Your Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More by Jefferson Fisher
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About the Author: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including transforming conflict into an adventure. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
