Episode 7 - Spring Cleaning Dirty Pain
Episode 7 - Spring Cleaning Dirty Pain
Welcome to the Seasons of Joy Podcast.
Before I begin, I would love to tell you a little bit about the Seasons of Joy Community. This is a small group coaching community I have created. We started in April. It was so fun. We actually covered the topic I will be discussing today. In May, the topic will be Season of Abundance and June will be Season of Fun. Can you tell I love seasons? That is why I call my coaching practice Seasons of Joy. :) If you want to learn more about the Seasons of Joy Community or my Seasons of Joy 1:1 Coaching program, I have included links to those in the show notes.
This is episode #7 titled Spring Cleaning Dirty Pain.
Over the last few weeks, my husband and I have been remodeling an area of our home. We have lived here for almost 28 years. It isn’t a big room. It is a loft just off of our master bedroom. It is one of the last spaces that we are working on updating. Gradually, over the years, this loft has filled up with stuff over the years. As with any space you organize and update, we have been pulling everything out and deciding what we want to keep and what we want to let go of. It always amazes me when I tackle a project like this - all the clutter multiplies and then it seems to explode. It actually gets worse before it gets better. Without even realizing it, all this collected clutter has been weighing me down. However, once it has all been cleaned out, the pain of going through it all was worth it. There is a new found freedom in a way. A lightness.
This is how emotions are. Sometimes we collect emotions. Before even realizing it, we have allowed them to build up and clutter our lives. Now don’t get me wrong. Emotions aren’t good or bad to feel. We need them all. But what tends to happen is, there are a few emotions that we have allowed to clutter our lives. Taking up more space than you originally thought they would. Emotions like judgment, frustration, self-pity, discouragement, blame, or shame. Leaving little room for understanding, compassion, love, curiosity, or joy. When you go to pull out an emotion, you pull from the top repeatedly, not really allowing yourself to use some of the others. Keeping us in pain.
But not all pain is created equal.
I want to talk about "Clean pain" for a minute.
It helps us to feel alive.
Cleansing and moving us through this human experience.
For example, grief has cleansed and moved me through the experience of the passing of both my parents over the last couple of years.
I still experience grief today. It hasn’t totally gone away. When I walk by their pictures hanging on my fridge, a little wave of ache passes through me. I do really miss them. I think of some fun memories I have of them. I think of them together and happy. This really only takes a matter of seconds but it is a regular occurrence. Other emotions like love and gratitude come along for the ride. The amount of time that the pain of grief takes has gotten a little less and less. In some ways, I believe I will experience waves of grief for the remainder of my mortal life. There isn’t a time limit on how much I am allowed to grieve. For me, this has been “clean” pain.
But what I want to talk about is "dirty" pain which is needless suffering. This usually follows “clean” pain.
Needlessly suffering because we are resisting what we can't control and thinking thoughts we don't necessarily want to think.
It could be watching our loved ones - husbands, children, friends - choose differently than you want them to and believing that it should be different just keeps you stuck in frustration.
Staying there - not progressing through the emotion or finding perspective.
Fighting with reality keeps us in pain - feeling hurt, self-pity and frustration. Cluttering up our emotional lofts. Always grabbing hold of frustration because it is taking up so much space.
Consider an issue or a problem that has consumed you for a long time.
It could be the choices of others.
Your body.
A diagnosis.
The state of the world.
You probably have spent a lot of time and energy trying to control this issue.
But are your efforts working?
My guess is your answer is no.
Otherwise, you would have found a solution to your problem already.
What if the issue you are spending so much time and energy thinking about isn't really the problem?
What if it is the continuous rumination of the problem?
What if you are always grabbing from the top of the emotional clutter?
Psychologists refer to this as "dirty" pain.
Martha Beck teaches that when we get stuck in believing that things should or ought to be different than they are, we get stuck in proving how we--and life--are bad.
I am not suggesting that we shouldn't feel pain.
Pain is part of life.
We will experience it half of the time.
But when we are ready to move into the acceptance of reality, we actually set ourselves free.
We can begin to pull out all of the clutter. Looking at our beliefs and the emotions they are creating and deciding which ones we want to keep and which ones we want to let go of.
Now again, it isn't wrong to think any thought and feel any emotion.
Awareness is optional and it is available to you if you are ready to feel something different-if you are ready for some spring cleaning.
Cleaning out and letting go of your painful stories will actually invite more happiness into your life.
Martha Beck teaches that the best way to do this is to compassionately observe yourself.
I want to invite you to ask yourself, is there one "dirty" pain you are tired of indulging in?
Are you ready to start spring cleaning this emotion by managing your mind?
If so, that is the best place to start.
I am going to share with you 5 steps you can take if you are ready to clean out some clutter and make space for something new.
Ready to start spring cleaning. You are tired of walking through all the junk and clutter.
Acknowledge and notice the emotions that you seem to be feeling on a regular basis. Is there one that seems to be on top of a clutter pile? Then ask yourself, "is it appropriate to feel that way or is it time to let it go?" If it is appropriate maybe look at it and dust it off a little bit but let it stay. I wasn’t in a hurry to move past grief. I have allowed it to stay. It has helped me move through the experience of losing my parents. But if you find an emotion is taking up unnecessary space then compassionately move on to step two.
Think of a thought or a feeling that you can redirect to that causes you to feel something better. I am not suggesting that you just find a positive thought and all will be well. Maybe. But probably not. What I am suggesting is that after you have noticed an emotion that has moved to “dirty” pain. Pain that is keeping you from moving through an experience. Pain that comes from arguing with reality which is causing you to needlessly suffer. As I have shared before, frustration was definitely an emotion that was one I was grabbing from the top of my emotional clutter pile again and again. But when I was finally ready to clean things up, I pulled out all my painful stories and made some room for curiosity. It was messy at first. It got worse before it got better. I had to experiment and try different thoughts and emotions. But as I continued to clean out the clutter I was able to make space for other things that serve me better. I really didn’t jump to happiness or even gratitude in this case. But I knew I was tired of always going to frustration. So the thought I found and began to use and continue to use is “that is interesting.” It is a signal to my mind that I am not going to automatically grab frustration. I have done some cleaning and reorganizing. I have made room for something better for me - curiosity.
Practice this thought or feeling whenever you can. Write it on a piece of paper or post-it note and put it somewhere you can see. Maybe it is everytime you brush your teeth or turn on a light you pause and practice redirecting to thinking and feeling something different. We have created a neural pathway to that painful story. But you can create a new one. It makes me think of a room full of stuff. So much stuff that there is a small pathway through the room. There is only one way to go. Piles of magazines and newspapers. Our brains can be so full of clutter that we have a well-worn path to thoughts and emotions that are no longer serving us. It takes work to clean out that room to make space for something else. It requires taking each item and looking at it and deciding what you want to keep. One at a time. That is like what I am talking about. Every time you practice thinking and feeling something different you are removing some of the clutter and you are making room for something else.
Repeat.
Those are the 5 steps of spring cleaning “dirty” pain.
Ready.
Notice.
Redirect.
Practice.
Repeat.
If you are ready to create something better, I invite you to give this spring cleaning practice a try. Just start with one emotion that you are ready to clean out and start there. You will be amazed at what you can happen by intentionally creating space for more of what you want in your life.
If you would like to learn more about what life coaching is, please feel free to schedule a FREE discovery call where we can work through something that is causing you a problem. Just go to seasons-coaching.com You can also learn more about my Seasons of Joy Coaching Program and my Seasons of Joy Community there too.
Thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, please share it with your friends and family and leave me a review.
Have a joyful week!
To schedule a free Discovery Call, join my Seasons of Joy Facebook Group, and register for my upcoming An Awakening Retreat go to Seasons Coaching.
