Episode 187 - Divine Identity in Conflict: Why Your Worth Isn’t on the Line
The Hidden Identity Crisis Behind Every Argument
Many times the reason your relationship conflicts feel so hard isn't because of what the other person is doing or saying, but because of what you believe about yourself.
Think about the last difficult conversation you had—or the one you're dreading. If you're like most people, you're not just worried about resolving the issue. You're worried about what that conflict means about you.
What if your worth as a mother, as a wife, as a coworker, as a friend, as a person, wasn't actually on the line in that difficult conversation?
Today I want to talk about the identity crisis we all bring to conflict at times, and how understanding who you really are can shift how you experience disagreement with the people you love most.
The False Self: What We Bring to Conflict
Recognizing the Pattern
Picture this: You're preparing for a difficult conversation with your adult daughter, your spouse, or a coworker. If you wrote down everything you wanted to say, what would be on that list?
My guess is that woven throughout your words are attempts to prove that you're a good mother, wife, or coworker. You desperately want them to see that you've tried your best. That you aren't the problem. That you are enough.
But what if your worth as a person isn't actually on the line in this conversation?
I know it can feel like it really is and that's what makes conflict so painful. Most of us bring this identity crisis right into our conflicts. When we do that, we can't actually resolve anything because we're too busy defending our worth to create connection.
How the Identity Struggle Shows Up in Conflict
When was the last time you were in conflict with someone you love? As that conflict was happening, what were you thinking about yourself?
Common thought patterns include:
"I must have done something wrong"
"If I were a better [mother/wife/coworker/friend], this wouldn't be happening"
"What is wrong with me that I can't fix this?"
"They think I'm a terrible person and I need to prove that I'm not"
Many of us struggle with embracing who we are, and nowhere is this more evident than when we're in conflict with the people we love most.
Here's what this identity struggle looks like:
We compare our relationships to others. We look at friends whose adult children still come to family dinners, whose kids followed the faith, who seem to have their marriage figured out, or who are succeeding in their careers. And we think, "What did I do wrong?"
We replay conversations looking for evidence of inadequacy. We feel like we failed and need to defend or explain ourselves.
We can't let the other person have their perspective. We have to make sure they know we're not the bad guy.
We can't let someone be wrong about us. If they think we did something hurtful, we have to convince them otherwise. Their perception feels like a threat.
We're desperate for their approval or validation. We need them to see us as good, as trying, as enough. Without that, we feel lost.
Can you see this in yourself? I know there are times I can see this in me.
Understanding the False Self in Conflict
This is what I call the false self showing up in conflict. Some people call it the ego, the natural man, or as Brooke Snow has taught me to understand it, the false self.
What the False Self Does in Conflict:
The false self needs to win to prove our worth. If we're wrong, that means we're inadequate, so we have to be right.
The false self takes everything personally. A difference of opinion becomes a judgment of our character.
The false self stays defensive and closed off. We can't be curious because curiosity feels too scary, too vulnerable. What if we learn something that confirms our worst fears about ourselves?
The false self makes conflict about our adequacy instead of the actual issue at hand.
The false self operates from fear, shame, and inadequacy. Every word feels loaded and heavy. Every interaction feels like a test we might fail.
A Personal Example
Most of my adult children have stepped away from the faith my husband and I raised them in. For a long time, when I was reminded of this choice, I would immediately go into a defensive spiral—not outwardly, but within my own mind.
My thoughts would race: "I did the best I could." "Don't they see how hard I tried?" "I can't believe they're choosing the opposite of what we taught them."
But what I was really thinking underneath all of that was: "If I were a better mother, they wouldn't do this. This proves I failed."
I was bringing my false self—my fear that I wasn't enough—into my conversations and interactions. When I did that, I couldn't actually hear what they were saying or see them as children of God doing the very best they can. I was too busy defending my worth as a mother.
Can you see how this false self shows up when you're in conflict with your adult child, your spouse, your friend, or your coworker? When their words feel like an attack on your worth?
This is the identity crisis that we bring into conflict, and it keeps us stuck.
Why Conflict Feels Like a Threat to Your Survival
Your Nervous System Can't Tell the Difference
When we believe that our worth is on the line, our nervous system reads conflict as a literal threat to our survival. Our nervous system doesn't know the difference between real and perceived danger.
I know this can sound dramatic. Your adult child disagreeing with you doesn't actually seem like a threat to your physical survival. But your nervous system really doesn't know that.
When you believe, "If they think I'm a bad mother, then maybe I am," your brain interprets that as danger. And when your brain perceives danger, it activates your stress response.
Fight, Flight, or Freeze
You go into one of three responses:
Fight might look like getting defensive, raising your voice, or needing to prove your point.
Flight might look like avoiding the conversation altogether, changing the subject, or leaving the room.
Freeze might look like shutting down, going silent, or feeling paralyzed while your mind races.
The Problem with Survival Mode
Here's the critical issue: when your nervous system is in threat mode, you cannot access the parts of your brain that allow for curiosity, empathy, and connection.
You can't be curious about their perspective when you're busy defending yourself
You can't empathize with their experience when you're trying to convince them you're not the problem
You cannot create connection when the other person feels like the enemy
This is exactly what the adversary wants. I believe that Satan's purpose is to confuse us about who we are and whose we are. When we're confused about our identity, we operate from fear instead of love. We see conflict as something to win or avoid instead of an opportunity for understanding and connection.
The Cost of Operating from Fear
When we operate from this place of confusion and fear, here's what it costs us:
It damages our relationships. Every conversation becomes a battle instead of a bridge.
It keeps us in perpetual defensiveness. We're exhausted from always trying to prove we're good enough.
It causes us to miss opportunities for deeper connection. The richest conversations often come after we've navigated conflict with curiosity and care.
It teaches the next generation the wrong message. When we operate from our false self in conflict, we actually teach our children that their worth is tied to being right, being perfect, or avoiding mistakes. We pass on the same identity crisis to the next generation.
There Is Another Way: Understanding Your Divine Identity
What if you could approach conflict knowing that your worth isn't on the line?
What would be different if you truly believed that you are a divine being—right now, in the middle of this conflict, even if you made mistakes?
What if your worth isn't determined by whether your child agrees with you, whether your spouse validates your feelings, or whether you handled a conversation perfectly?
What Divine Identity Really Means
Your divine identity is your true self. It's the truth that you were created by Heavenly Parents who love you completely and perfectly, exactly as you are right now.
Nothing is wrong with you. You're not broken. You are complete and whole and worthy.
You didn't earn this divine nature, and you can't lose it by making mistakes or having imperfect relationships.
This is the truth that will set you free—especially in conflict. Because when you are grounded in your divine identity, your experiences and relationships change.
How Divine Identity Transforms Conflict
What Becomes Possible
When your divine self shows up in conflict, everything shifts:
You can stay curious instead of defensive. Instead of immediately explaining why you did what you did, you can ask, "Tell me more about how that affected you."
You can hear feedback without it defining you. When your adult child says, "You were really controlling when I was growing up," instead of spiraling into "I'm a terrible mother," you can think, "This is hard to hear, and my worth isn't dependent on being a perfect parent. I can listen to their experience."
You can let someone be upset without needing to fix it. You don't have to make them feel better to prove you're a good person. You can hold space for their emotions while staying grounded in who you are.
You can take responsibility without shame. You can say, "You're right. I did do that, and I can see how that hurt you. I'm so sorry," without it meaning you're a failure.
Your nervous system can stay regulated. There's no threat to your identity. You're not in survival mode. You can access the parts of your brain that create connection.
A Real-Life Example
Imagine having a conversation with one of your adult children where they bring up something you did years earlier that hurt them—something you didn't even remember doing.
Your immediate instinct (your false self) wants to say: "I don't remember that. Are you sure that's how it happened? I would never intentionally hurt you."
All of that defensiveness is coming from the belief that if you hurt them, you're a bad mother.
But what if you could catch yourself and pause? What if you could remember that your worth as a mother isn't on the line in this conversation?
You are a divine being. You've always been enough. Even when you make mistakes, their experience is valid, and hearing about it doesn't make you worthless.
So instead, you could say: "I don't remember that specific moment, but I believe you, and I'm so sorry that I hurt you. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."
And you know what may happen? That conversation softens. They share more. You connect more deeply than you have in months—not because you were perfect, but because you showed up grounded in your divine identity instead of defending your false self.
The Foundation of Conflict Transformation
This is the foundation of conflict transformation. When you invite curiosity, awareness, regulation, and empathy into the conversation, you don't need to defend your worth.
You can only be curious when your identity isn't threatened.
You can only regulate your nervous system when you don't see the conflict as a danger to your survival.
You can only offer empathy when you're secure enough in yourself to hold space for someone else's experience.
Divine identity isn't just a nice spiritual concept. It's the practical foundation that makes conflict transformation possible.
The Pause That Changes Everything
How to Shift from False Self to Divine Self
So how do we shift from false self to divine self in the middle of conflict? It starts with noticing.
The next time you're in conflict or thinking about having a difficult conversation, notice what's happening in your body and your thoughts.
Ask yourself:
Are you feeling defensive?
Do you need to explain yourself?
Are your feelings hurt in a way that feels overwhelming?
Do you desperately need them to see that you're right, that you're enough?
These are all signals that your false self has shown up. And that's okay. There is no shame in it. We all do it. It's part of being human.
But this is also your invitation to pause. There is so much power in the pause.
The Practice: Reconnecting with Your Divine Identity
Here's what I invite you to do:
1. Close your eyes (or soften your gaze if you're driving or it's not safe to close your eyes)
2. Breathe: Take a breath in through your nose, hold it for a few seconds, then breathe out through your nose. Continue this pattern—breathing in, holding, breathing out. Let your nervous system know you're safe right now.
3. Ask yourself: "What false belief about myself is this conflict touching?"
Just notice what comes up. Don't judge it. Just observe it.
Maybe it's:
"I'm not a good enough mother"
"I failed them"
"If I were better, they wouldn't feel this way"
"Their choices reflect my worth"
"I'm too much" or "I'm not enough"
Whatever the belief is, just let it surface.
4. Hold the belief with compassion: As you hold that belief in your awareness, repeat this:
"Even though I believe [your false belief]..."
For example: "Even though I believe I'm not a good enough mother..."
Then continue:
"This is my journey"
"This is my classroom"
"I'm learning"
"I'm growing"
"I'm becoming"
Feel those words. This is all part of your human experience. This is the 50/50 of life—the opposition that shapes us into who we are meant to be.
5. Reconnect with truth: Now reconnect with the truth of who you are:
"I am a divine being—right now, even in this conflict."
"My worth is not on the line."
"I have a divine purpose and potential."
"I am enough."
"I am loved."
Let me say that again, because I want you to really hear this:
I am a divine being right now, even in this conflict. My worth is not on the line. I have a divine purpose and potential. I'm enough. I'm loved.
Our Heavenly Parents couldn't love you more than they do right now. Not if you fix this relationship. Not if you handle this conversation perfectly. Not if you never made another mistake.
Right now. Exactly as you are. You are loved.
When you remember that—when you reconnect with that truth—things begin to shift.
6. Re-enter from a different place: You can open your eyes now and re-enter the conversation or situation from a different place. Not from fear or shame or inadequacy, but from love. From wholeness. From your divine identity.
This pause, this practice of reconnecting with who you really are, is how transformation begins.
What Changes When You Know Your Worth Is Secure
When you approach conflict grounded in your true self, here's what becomes possible:
You Can Be Wrong Without Being Worthless
Think about that. How many arguments would end sooner if we weren't terrified of being wrong? When your worth isn't tied to being right, you can say:
"You know what? You're right. I didn't think about it that way"
"Thanks for sharing your perspective. I hadn't considered that"
You Can Apologize Without Shame
"I'm sorry" doesn't mean "I'm a terrible person." It just means "I made a mistake and I care about you."
When you're grounded in your divine identity, apologizing is actually a gift you get to give instead of an admission of failure.
You Can Set Boundaries Without Guilt
You can say, "I'm not willing to continue this conversation if we're yelling," and know that you're caring for yourself and the other person. You're not being selfish.
Your needs matter because you matter—not because you've earned it, but because it's true.
You Can Receive Criticism as Information, Not Indictment
When someone gives you feedback, you can hear it as data about their experience instead of proof of your inadequacy.
"That's helpful to know" becomes possible instead of "You think I'm a terrible person."
You Can Love Someone Who Disagrees with You
This is huge for those of us with adult children who've made different choices than we hoped. When your identity isn't wrapped up in their choices, you can love them fully without needing them to validate you.
You Can Be in Conflict and Still Know You're Enough
The conflict doesn't have to be resolved for you to be okay. Your worth isn't dependent on the outcome.
The Ripple Effect of Living from Divine Identity
This is what I mean by conflict transformation. Conflict will still happen. It's part of life—that 50/50 part of life. But when you bring your divine self to it instead of your false self, the conflict becomes an opportunity for growth, for understanding, and for deeper connection.
It becomes what I call neutral information instead of a threat.
I've also noticed that the people around us feel the difference too. When we show up grounded and regulated—not defending our worth, but curious about connection—it gives others permission to do the same.
This creates:
Safety in the relationship
Space for honest conversation
A model for what it looks like to be human and divine at the same time
You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to get this right every time. Because remember—your worth isn't on the line.
You're a divine being right now, even as you're learning, even as you're growing, even as you're still figuring this out.
Choosing Which Self to Bring to Conflict
Conflict is going to happen. It's part of life, part of relationships, part of being human. But you get to choose which self you bring to it.
You can bring your false self:
The one who needs to win
Who takes everything personally
Who's desperate to prove you're enough
Or you can bring your divine self:
The one who knows your worth isn't on the line
Who can stay curious and open
Who can transform conflict into connection
That choice starts with remembering who you are. I would say it takes practice. We have to practice this belief so that it becomes part of us—understanding that you are a divine being, that you have a divine purpose and potential, that you are enough, and that you are loved.
This truth is always available to you, even in the hardest conversations. Even in the most painful conflicts. Even when you've made mistakes.
And that's why it's important to practice believing it when you're not in those hard conversations—when things are peaceful—so that you can settle it within you.
Your divine identity really is the foundation for everything: for joy, for peace, for connection, and yes, for transforming conflict.
Your Invitation This Week
Here's my invitation for you this week:
Notice when conflict triggers your false self.
Just notice. No judgment. Just awareness.
When you notice it, pause, breathe, and reconnect with who you really are.
This is where transformation begins.
Ready for More Support?
If you want more guidance on transforming conflict into connection, I invite you to check out my Conflict to Connection 30-Day Challenge. This email series will walk you through practical tools and mindset shifts to help you navigate difficult relationships with more peace and confidence.
You were created for this season, and your influence for good is needed now.
Until next time, may you find joy in the journey.
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About the Host: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship conflict coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including how to transform conflict into connection. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
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