Episode 184 - 10 Tools For Hard Moments
(Part 3 in the Nervous System Regulation Series)
Discover 10 science-backed nervous system regulation techniques you can use anywhere to stay calm during difficult conversations, anxiety, and stress. Learn practical tools for emotional regulation.
The holidays are here, and with them come difficult conversations, tense family dynamics, and moments when you can feel your anxiety rising. You know that feeling—your shoulders creep up to your ears, your jaw clenches, and suddenly you're either about to lose it or completely shut down.
What if you had a toolbox of techniques you could use in those exact moments to shift from activated to calm?
That's exactly what I'm sharing with you today: 10 specific nervous system regulation tools you can use in real-time when you're already feeling triggered, anxious, or overwhelmed.
These aren't complicated meditation practices or hour-long yoga sessions. These are simple, science-backed techniques that take seconds to do, work anywhere, and nobody even has to know you're doing them.
Understanding When to Use These Tools
Before we dive into the tools themselves, let's be clear about when to use them.
These regulation techniques are for moments when:
You're about to have a difficult conversation and can feel your anxiety rising
You're in the middle of a tense text exchange and getting activated
You've just had a conflict and your body is still buzzing with adrenaline
You're around someone who is dysregulated and their energy is affecting you
A Critical Safety Note
If you're in actual danger, if someone is truly unsafe or there's real threat or harm, your activation is 100% appropriate. Listen to your body and get yourself to safety.
But more often, what's happening is you're picking up on someone else's dysregulation. They're angry or anxious, and your nervous system is responding to their energy. You're not in physical danger, but your body is reacting.
These tools help you stay calm and present while also staying aware. You can be regulated and still have boundaries. You can be grounded and still protect yourself.
The 10 Nervous System Regulation Tools
Tool #1: Body Scan
What it is: A quick mental scan from head to toe, noticing where you're holding tension.
How to do it:
Start at the top of your head
Notice: Is your forehead tense? Jaw clenched? Shoulders up by your ears? Chest tight? Belly hard?
Move all the way down to your feet
As you notice tension, consciously release it
When to use it: At a stoplight, waiting in line at the store, or anytime you need a quick reset. This can take 30 seconds or a few minutes depending on what you need.
Click here to learn the 10 tools for hard moments.
Tool #2: Pelvic Floor Relaxation
What it is: Consciously releasing tension in your pelvic floor to signal safety to your nervous system.
Why it works: Most of us hold tension in our pelvic floor, especially when stressed. When it's chronically tight, it sends signals to your nervous system that you're not safe.
How to do it:
Take a breath and imagine your pelvic floor softening and releasing
Think of it like a flower opening or letting go of the muscles you use to stop yourself from going to the bathroom
Breathe and allow the release
It might feel strange at first, but you're practicing releasing tension in a part of your body you probably don't usually think about.
Tool #3: Peripheral (Panoramic) Vision
What it is: Widening your visual field to shift out of tunnel vision.
Why it works: When you're stressed, your vision literally narrows into tunnel vision. Using peripheral vision sends a signal to your nervous system: "We're not in danger. We can take in the whole scene."
How to do it:
Look straight ahead but soften your gaze
Notice what's in your peripheral vision—to the sides, above, below
Put your hands out to the sides and wiggle your fingers while looking straight ahead to help yourself notice your full field of vision
When to use it: Try this while driving when you're feeling anxious. Instead of that tight stare on the road, soften your gaze and notice the whole landscape. Feel your body relax.
Tool #4: Soft Palate Relaxation
What it is: Releasing tension in the soft tissue at the back of the roof of your mouth.
Why it works: When you're tense, your soft palate lifts and tightens. When you're relaxed, it softens. It's hard to be anxious when your soft palate is relaxed.
How to do it:
Remember that feeling right before you yawn—that soft, open feeling in the back of your throat
Let the back of your throat soften
Let your tongue relax away from the roof of your mouth
It's subtle, but incredibly effective for anxiety relief.
Tool #5: Belly Breathing (Diaphragmatic Breathing)
What it is: Deep breathing into your diaphragm rather than shallow chest breathing.
Why it works: Shallow chest breathing keeps you activated. Belly breathing with extended exhales literally slows your heart rate.
How to do it:
Place one hand on your chest and one on your belly
Breathe in for 4 counts—the hand on your belly should rise more than the hand on your chest
Exhale for 6-8 counts (longer than your inhale)
Repeat as needed
When to use it: Throughout your day whenever you notice activation. Practice it regularly so it becomes automatic.
Tool #6: The Physiological Sigh
What it is: The fastest way to calm your nervous system through breathing.
Why it works: The double inhale reinflates your air sacs in your lungs, and the long exhale activates your calming system.
How to do it:
Take a big inhale through your nose
Take a second quick inhale on top of it
Long, slow exhale through your mouth
Repeat 2-3 times
You'll feel the shift almost immediately. This is a game-changer for anxiety and stress.
When to use it: Before difficult conversations, after something stressful happens, or anytime anxiety starts to spike.
Tool #7: Progressive Muscle Relaxation
What it is: Systematically tensing and releasing different muscle groups.
Why it works: The contrast helps you recognize and release tension you didn't know you were holding.
Quick version:
Make tight fists, squeeze hard, then release
Tense your arms, hold, then release
Shrug your shoulders up to your ears, then drop them
Scrunch your face, hold, then release
Even 30 seconds of this makes a difference.
Tool #8: Humming or Making Sounds
What it is: Using vibration to activate your vagus nerve.
Why it works: Humming, singing, or making sounds like "voo" or "om" creates vibration in your chest and throat that sends calming signals to your nervous system.
How to do it:
You don't have to be a good singer—just make a sound
Feel the vibration in your chest
Notice your system settling
When to use it: Hum in your car, sing along to music, or make sounds for just 30 seconds to feel the difference.
Tool #9: Cold Water on Your Face
What it is: Using cold water to trigger your mammalian dive reflex.
Why it works: This immediately slows your heart rate—like a reset button for your nervous system.
How to do it:
Splash cold water on your face, OR
Hold a cold cloth to your face, OR
Run your wrists under cold water for 30 seconds
When to use it: When you're in panic mode or having an intense emotional reaction. This is your emergency tool.
Tool #10: Bilateral Stimulation (The Butterfly Hug)
What it is: Alternating tapping that helps calm your nervous system and integrate both brain hemispheres.
Why it works: This technique is used in trauma therapy because it's so regulating.
How to do it:
Cross your arms over your chest with hands on opposite shoulders (like hugging yourself)
Alternate tapping your shoulders: left, right, left, right—slow and rhythmic
Breathe while you tap
(Alternative: Tap your knees alternately if that feels better)
When to use it: When you're feeling really overwhelmed or on the verge of tears. It helps you feel held and grounded.
How to Choose Which Tools to Use
Don't try to learn all 10 at once. Pick one or two that sound interesting to you and practice those this week.
Matching Tools to Your Nervous System State
If you're in shutdown (hypo-arousal): Low energy, collapsed, disconnected
Try: Progressive muscle relaxation, movement, vocalization—tools that bring energy up
If you're regulated: In your window of tolerance
Try: Any of these tools work for maintenance and staying grounded
If you're activated (hyper-arousal): Anxious, tense, racing thoughts
Try: Physiological sigh, extended exhale breathing, cold water, peripheral vision—tools that discharge energy and activate your calming system
Practice Makes Progress, Not Perfection
Here's what I want you to understand: You're not going to be perfect at this.
You're going to:
Forget to use these tools
Try something and it won't work
Get activated and not remember any of this until later
That's all normal. That's all part of learning.
The Three Check-In Questions
After you use these tools, get in the habit of asking yourself:
What went well? Which technique did I use? Did I notice a shift?
What didn't go so well? Where did I get stuck? What was hard?
What can I do differently? What would I try next time based on what I learned?
This isn't about judging yourself—it's about gathering data. You're learning about your own nervous system.
An Example
Maybe you knew you had a difficult conversation coming up. You used the physiological sigh three times before the conversation and noticed you felt calmer. The conversation went better than expected.
But five minutes in, you got activated again and forgot to use any tools.
Next time? You realize you need a tool you can use during the conversation, like peripheral vision or soft palate relaxation, not just before.
No judgment. Just information that helps you do better next time.
Your Action Plan for This Week
As we head into the holidays and New Year's:
Pick 1-2 tools that resonate with you
Practice them daily when you're already calm (building the pathway)
Start using them when you notice mild activation
Check in at the end of the week: What went well? What didn't? What will you try differently?
Be patient with yourself. These are simple tools, but making them automatic takes time. You're building new neural pathways, and that doesn't happen overnight.
Building on Your Foundation
These tools are your real-time regulation techniques. What you use in the moment when you're already activated.
They work best when combined with:
Your safety foundation (anchor and safety sequence)
Understanding your nervous system states
The fundamentals that support nervous system health
This is part three of our nervous system series. In the next episode, we'll zoom out and look at building long-term resilience and growing your capacity over time.
You Have Everything You Need
You now have 10 tools in your toolbox. You know how to match them to different states. You have check-in questions to help you learn what works for you.
You have everything you need to start regulating your nervous system.
These tools are simple. Use them. Practice them. Be patient with yourself.
Related Episodes:
Episode 182: Understanding Your Nervous System States
Episode 183: Building Your Safety Foundation
Want More Clarity?
Are you ready to take it to a deeper level? Jill would love to be your coach!
Visit seasons-coaching.com to learn more about working with me, or connect with me on Instagram @seasons_coaching.
Click HERE to learn about all the ways you can work together!
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About the Host: Jill Pack is a certified faith-based life + relationship coach and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She helps women of faith navigate their seasons of life with greater purpose and joy including how to transform conflict into connection. For more resources or to work with Jill, visit www.seasons-coaching.com.
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