Q:  My friend talks badly about other people constantly.  I figure if she's talking about other people, she probably gossips about me too.  She is so toxic, I think I need to just stop hanging out with her.  What should I do?

A: “Toxic” is two things, hands down the best Britney Spears song, and a judgement-an opinion. When you believe that people are toxic, of course you are going to want to cut them out of your life. That’s what we do with toxic things, we get them away from us so we can’t be poisoned. But people aren’t toxic, they’re just human. What if you take the drama out and think, “I don’t like her behavior.” Or "when she acts that way, I don’t like being around her.” That thought probably feels less intense, and then your actions become less intense as well. Rather than cut her out, you can create boundaries for yourself. Something like, I don’t want to participate in gossip, so if you continue, I’m going to leave. Setting the boundary gives her the opportunity to connect differently with you. And if your friend doesn’t want to change her behavior, the consequences of your boundaries will naturally create distance from her.

Q: When I text my best friend, she routinely doesn't text me back right away or sometimes not at all. I find this rude.  How do I tell her that I need her to text me back in a normal amount of time?

A:  How are you choosing to define normal?  If you get back to someone right away or within a few hours, you have decided that’s the “normal” response, but your friend may think “normal” is within a few days.  Her version isn’t a deviation of normal, it’s her normal.

It’s entirely possible that she didn’t think the text required an acknowledgement or a response, or she meant to respond and got distracted or she typed a response and never hit send (I do this all the time).

Pay attention to what you deem normal and more importantly investigate what you are making her slow or lack of response mean about her, you and your relationship. What if neither of you are wrong and need to change? What if your friend's perspective is perfectly normal?